What Would Ryan Lochte Do? - Photo Recap: Jaimee Exists, But She's No Dolphin
What Would Ryan Lochte Do? had me beginning to think that Ryan Lochte was pulling a "Jan Brady" on us all, and that the mystery woman of his dreams, England's own Jaimee, never existed. Everyone remembers Jan's attempt at impressing her perfect big sister Marcia, convincing the Bradys that she'd found the perfect boyfriend in the imaginary dreamboat "George Glass." Fear not, Lochte fans! Jaimee does indeed exist. I'll be honest. No matter how many times Lochte reminded us as viewers that Jaimee was from England, I was caught off guard by her lovely accent. Plus, let's be real, an english accent reads "super genius" to us lame-o Americans, so we knew the producers would go to town this week. I have to lay some harsh criticism on Ryan, though. Not enough "jeahs" this week, bro. In other news, E!, please step up your production budget because it's hard to take screenshots when America's Aquaman is constantly phasing in and out of blurs.
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Lochte pool. What is there to say? It's a lot like a normal round of billiards, but it last for mere seconds and Ryan Lochte is there. Afterwards, the Lochterage questioned Lochte surrounding his extreme like/ love for Jaimee. When Ryan took a beat to think, the result was about ten minutes worth of "OoooOOOoooh"s from the guys, prompting me to literally say out loud, "What's going on? What is this?"
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Anyway, there she is! Jaimee exists, everybody! She was perfectly nice, for what it's worth. Ryan seemed just a wee bit more smitten than she was, but that's what happens when you have a camera crew in your face telling you to light candles or face the wrath of a scorned englishwoman. Still, the Lochte charm said, "Take the girls bags upstairs for her, sir."
Ryan Lochte doesn't need much in life, folks.
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I'm going to point out what all of your are thinking. I'll say what you need said... Ryan Lochte has gothic taste in sheets.
So let's talk Ryan Lochte's workout regime. Shall we start with dragging a 500-pound rusty chain? Fail, and you get a tetanus shot. Seriously, anyone who can drag that thing deserves a reality show on E!, right? This isn't a swimmer's workout. This is a Lochte workout.
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I mean, "hour five" says it all. I get to "hour one" at the gym, and I'm out. If I make it to "hour one-and-a-half," it's because my iPod has been frustrating me, and the Game of Thrones theme is just not cutting it as a benching soundtrack.
In other news, I was very impressed by Lochte's non-transition from walking to the pool to getting into the water. For me, it's a massive process of accepting that the water will be cold and that I will not enjoy the feeling of it hitting my back. It takes me, like, half an hour to slip into the water. Ryan Lochte acts like he's, I don't know, a professional or something.
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Jaimee was in town, so Ryan would have to turn up the volume and do something incredibly special. Sushi at the usual place would do. I mean, once you've discovered the best, why budge? Just toss in some flowers and worship the girl via interview segments on your reality television show if you want to impress her! Seriously, Lochte keeps getting flak for taking his dates to the same place, but it's not like Jaimee isn't watching him (and his family) fawn over her on national television. Do they have T.V. in England?
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The conversation shifted to Lochte's manscaping habits.
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Ryan Lochte shaves his legs in a purple haze. It's all very Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine. Heads up! Ryan Lochte has a gold plated razor.
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If you ask me, the dumbest moment of the week came from the producers mashup of QVC and the Home Shopping Network. When you put "LVC" and "Lochte HOME SHOPPING" next to each other, it just looks like you don't know how to properly abbreviate.
Okay, let's review the Orlando Grand Prix. Ryan competed in a swimming competition this week, putting a cork in the show's fans who've been complaining about too little swimming. The way I see things; when you've conquered the Olympics, you're done, but that's just me.
In any case, here's Lochte's bro Conon Dwyer:
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I'm pretty sure Conor loathed doing this outgoing transition to commercial break:
E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"What Would Ryan Lochte Do? JEAH!You're a great friend, Dwyer, and you have a gold medal.
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Would you like to know why Ryan Lochte is always a winner?
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I should just close out the recap here, but there's another scene that involved making out with a dolphin, so...
Something I learned about competitive swimming this week:
This is the back of a winner leaving the pool:
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This is the back of a loser leaving the pool:
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I haven't got a clue, but his family sure new how to analyze this stuff. One thing I didn't appreciate was how the show used a giant animated wave of urine to transition from Conor talking about Ryan's pool-peeing habits back to Ryan's family in the crowd. Classy, E!
Working off of his mother's advice, Lochte decided to man up and deal with all of that cooking that comes along with cooking. Notice in the screencap below, Jaimee is eyeing the Pam. When someone grabs a canister of Pam, you know the meal is going to blow. No gourmet cuisine involves cooking spray. Although, I'll give it to Ryan, Pizza is an exception.
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I have to say, although he might have asked for help in the process, that was no cheap cheese pie. That was some fancy looking pizza, if you ask me! Something else I noticed during the final date scene was that Ryan Lochte switches out dogs by the day. There's a new dog for every episode.
Ryan Lochte might kind of/ sort of possibly love Jaimee in the distant future (like the 21st century), but one thing that's for sure, is that she has a rival. Check it out:
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E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"
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One thing I'll add is that I've actual experienced the "Discovery Cove" dolphin swim. Kissing a dolphin on the mouth is a lot scarier than you'd think it would be. You get this warning from the instructor before you dive in, and it goes something along the lines of, "Don't ever wave your hands at the dolphin, keep them behind your back, because all she wants is another fish," and, all of a sudden, it's like this shady shark with a smile. Then you're asked to kiss it for a photograph! Ryan Lochte, I salute you.
In the end, Lochte had to bid Jaimee farewell for now. Was this goodbye forever? Yes.
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No, I'm just kidding. This was a TTFN, ta ta for now.
What did you honorary members of the Lochterage think of Episode 3 of What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
Thanks for checking out my photo recap and review of Episode 3!