What Would Ryan Lochte Do? - Photo Recap: Why Did It Have To Be Snakes?
Part 1 of the What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Season 1 finale had me conjuring up images of Indiana Jones. All great American heroes loathe snakes, apparently. Dogs, though. Can anyone ever really own too many dogs. I personally do not for one second believe that the Lochte brothers own but two dogs. I've counted at least ten over the course of this season. Episode six, "… When Family Gets Involved?" saw Lochte and his on-again/ off-again but mostly off-again lady-friend Jaimee making a final decision on their half-relationship. More importantly, someone whom I believe was named "Uncle Rick," ate fifty hot wings without puking. No word yet on if he's an actual uncle or if that's merely his Lochterage nickname. Breaking news: red camouflage shorts exist.
Snake: "What up, girl? Jeah!"
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Let's start the Photo Recap and Review, shall we? Remember when Cool Hand Luke ate fifty eggs? Well, if you're not a teenager, do you remember when Cool Hand Luke ate fifty eggs? Well, Luke, if you had been a member of the Lochterage, you would have had to eat fifty wings slathered in hot sauce. Thirty minutes on the clock, go! The man chowed down on plate after plate of wings, making my eyes tear up in the process. Meanwhile, the first few minutes had Lochte and his buddies rolling with laughter. After about twenty-five minutes, though:
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Well, Ryan ended up losing the bet with ten seconds left on the clock. Uncle Rick had earned a free dinner. Who cares if your heart explodes if it blows up for free? That's what I always say.
Anyway, much of the episode centered on a Lochte family photo shoot. Since Ryan has become an Olympic gold medalist, the media apparently likes dragging his family into the hoopla of it all. The Lochte's are self-proclaimed weirdos, and I appreciate that.
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My favorite part of this scene, of course, was the Lochte Christmas photo featuring Devon the Rebel garbed in all white.
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How daring to wear a white shirt in a Christmas photo. Everyone knows you're supposed to show up in all black, Devon! It's not like this is a funeral or something...
Also, I loved how they made it seem as though Ryan's mother had caused a massive media scandal by commenting that Ryan only had time for one night stands.
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Camouflage was also a theme this week. The activity of choice for episode six was paintball. Confusion: two teams, two chosen mask colors… why? Ryan pondered a bit. What does it all mean? Ryan Lochte Vs. All!
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The game seemed simple enough, I guess. Shoot each other and go grab a flag. Still, this is Lochte paintball, so there would be a twist. If Gene's team could best Lochte's, he would get a free chance at shooting Lochte's bum. Things seemed to be going well for Ryan at one point. See:
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One minute you're the ruler of Lochtenation, it's all Game of Thrones, the next, you're facing a firing squad. Lochte had been bested by Gene's minions, usurped of his position as Ruler of Paint.
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The damage:
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I debated not posting the above screencap; however, I deemed it SFW, and, in all honesty, that doesn't really look much like a direct hit to me, Gene. That looks more like fleshy lower back, so who really took the win?
Honestly, what was there to say about Lochte paintball? It looked like fun, I guess? Though, my personal game of choice doesn't involve getting shot by anything in any capacity. Kudos to Gene's girlfriend who nabbed the first flag effortlessly!
Whose favorite moment this week wasn't Carter Lochte's show-stopping performance? First off, why does Devon own a pit bull named Millie?
Here is Ryan Lochte wallowing in disappointment. How could his beloved pup not love the water?
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Special thanks to Zumiez and First Strike for funding this Photo Recap of episode six, of course. You guys were great!
Okay, a play-by-play of what went down in Devon's bedroom:
Ryan watching, puzzled, as Millie and Carter Lochte roughhoused post-shower. Yes, the Lochte dogs take showers. My dog left the room in a jealous rage following that scene.
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Next, a beast blurs across the screen with nothing but the mere sound effect of rushing water.
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The aftermath of which involved a hit-and-run of epic proportions. Honestly, it was as though Carter Lochte said, "Devon, you're fine, but I'm better. This is my bed now. The closet floor will serve you just fine. I'll leave you a pillow. No I won't."
Pee everywhere. Pee… everywhere.
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Here are Devon's wardrobe choices for the upcoming photo shoot:
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I tried to get a screenshot of my favorite chosen article, a pair of beaming red camouflage shorts, but there's "this is blurry because this is E!" and then there's "I can't post this because it's so bad I'll get fired."
In the end, Ryan decided to drag Devon to Zumiez, which I thought was a fine choice for someone who leans "skater" but dresses "hunter."
Who wouldn't trust this face? Funny, having Ryan Lochte style you is the equivalent of taking singing lessons from someone like Bjork or Nicki Minaj or Ke$ha. Sure, there's a strong sense of personal style there, but is it for everyone? Does everyone want to wear Beanie Babies on their sneakers? If they're a genius, they do.
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What I took away from this scene: If you can't perform a proper lunge in the pants you're wearing, don't even think about being seen in public with them on.
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In the end, the duo settled on the perfect outfit for the shoot. Well, they made do.
Here we go!
Photographer: "Do something weird with your arms!"
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#Photography
#Brothers
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#JCPenny #PictureOfAPicture #ImLikeAFifteenYearOldGirlOnInstagram
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They are filming Zoolander 2 for the record. Make a call!
I'll be honest with you, Lochtenation. Episode six is sort of difficult to recap and review! It was as though the production said, "Well, we need to show the outcome of his relationship, but that'll take five minutes worth of screen time. Just throw in everything else. Do we have any footage of him swimming?"
For instance, proof that Ryan Lochte can, indeed, swim. Here's a Lochte high-dive. Well, here's Ryan jumping from really high up.
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Find Ryan Lochte in the photo above. Where is Ryan Lochte?
Also, Ryan Lochte can't slam dunk.
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If you just saw that screenshot, maybe you could, in some way, fathom the concept that Ryan Lochte can play basketball. But alas, we saw the show.
Lastly, before we get to the meat of the episode, here's the new word of the week:
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Here's what, Ryan Lochte and British lady-friend Jaimee had the final Skype session. I'll be lying if I didn't admit here that I cringed a bit when Ryan lamented, "This is killing us!" The camera panned to the computer screen and Jaimee's expression read, "Well, one of us…"
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The phone would ring later that evening. Ryan, for some strange reason, decided that he should answer it. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that, well, a ringing phone is a sign that a phone should be answered, especially considering that the last conversation you had with the girl was about making final decision on the three-year-long non-relationship. Three… years.
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The phone rings, the name "British Jaimee from England" appears on the screen, and Lochte loses all control of his tongue.
Once again, the award for "Dumbest Moment of the Week" goes to the producers!
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"Why did you shoo the cameras away?" Hmm… Maybe the cameraman just smelled damn awful? I'm going to go out on yet another limb and guess that Ryan Lochte probably wasn't looking to get dumped on camera after delivering countless moments of outlandish fun for you.
Sadness for a moment...
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… then back to reality aka pretending he's Batman!
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No, no, no… Aquaman! Aquamaaaan! Whoever made that joke is fired from The Lochterage forever. Banished to Married to Jonas for all time or until cancellation! Also, shout out to "Tom" who makes a cameo via the bottom right of that photo. Unless, Tom, was it you?
What did you think of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Episode 6, "… When Family Gets Involved?" Are you tuning in for the hour-long Season 1 Finale which airs tomorrow night?
Thanks, as usual, for reading my Photo Recap and Review of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Episode 6, "… When Family Gets Involved?" Don't forget to hit the comments or tweet me your reactions to the episode @JoeTranch!
Note: I've been stumbling upon a bunch of knockoff photo recaps through Google. I just want the true members of The Lochterage to know that I take all of my own screenshots, no matter how awful, and if you see them anywhere else, well, do the math. Eh, it sucks but it happens. I'd appreciate an "I stole this from Joe," but it's all good because we've had fun with this. This is the original, and I have always written it for the fans of the show. I mean, at this point, who's really the imbecile: Ryan Lochte or a person who loathes him and just completed viewing episode 6 of his silly reality television show?