What Would Ryan Lochte Do? - Photo Recap: He Called My Hot Dog Small!
This week's What Would Ryan Lochte Do? sent our titular hero across the country to La La Land on a business trip. With best friend and assistant Gene in tow, Lochte would consider whether a move out to Los Angeles was inevitable. I mean, Carmen Electra is there. Bananas remained a reoccurring theme. Well, food generally speaking remained a reoccurring theme. Many calories were burned in the making of this episode. On the contrary, the writing of this photo recap and review added about 100 calories worth of part-skim cheddar to my diet. Also, Tara Reid remains all together relevant as a sex symbol in Gainesville, Florida, hypothermia is a laughing matter (finally!), and someone thought it would be funny to hand Lochte a women's bikini bottom in place of a speedo. Publicist Janice was not pleased, shooing the camera man away in shame, as Ryan Lochte fixed his "indecency" behind a wall. In addition, Lochte's red carpet experience is unnecessarily edited into oblivion, and he won an award for whatever.
Let's get the photo recap and review started! Devon, if Ryan Lochte wins Lochterage volleyball, you must bellyflop into devastatingly cold pool water. The only rule is that Ryan can't lose. Are you game?
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Here's the reaction shot, so you can deduce the winner for yourself.
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Let us talk junk food. Ryan Lochte burns countless calories from all of that swimming, granting him the superhero ability to eat all the junk food he'd like to. Who cares about heart health and liver failure when you have abs! Bring on the fries and beer! I realize I was making a statement about health and wellness, but that just made me so hungry.
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Lochte was up for an award at Cartoon Network's Hall of Game Awards. The "How I Roll" award was dished out to the best, well, we don't know. Honestly, though, if I had to give an award dubbed "How I Roll" to anyone on earth, after watching this show for five episodes now, I'd give it to Ryan Lochte! He rolls, I think. Jeah? Jeah.
Also, wasn't it interesting that the whole crew was so interested in the hotness of current gossip rag/ tabloid superstar Tara Reid? It was as though American Pie had just debuted! Lochte's own nineties babe of choice was Carmen Electra.
Also, Lochte was set to christen his own hot dog at Pink's! I've had the pleasure of dining at Pink's. They accidentally put mustard on my cousin's burger after waiting in line forever, and he cried. The memories came flooding back with a taint of Lochte and jeah.
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Off to Los Angeles!
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New Girl fans, Gene was giving me serious Winston vibes this episode.
The photo below can only mean one thing… Speedo meeting. Seriously, you know the crew dug deep looking for this gem of a photo from Speedo.
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Aren't you on Glee?
This is Ryan Lochte telling us to leave his presence in the friendliest way possible. A "confident" meeting was about to take place.
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You know, I'm going to think positively. Maybe he was trying to say that he was confident in the way the confidential meeting went? Maybe? Maybe the meeting itself went so well that the abstract being known as "the meeting" expressed its own confidence? We weren't there! Whatever, who better to hock Speedo anything than Ryan Lochte?
Photo shoot! Listen up, because this is very very important. If you ever go to Hollywood, bring… your… scarves! It's a very Los Angeles thing to do. At least, that's what the Lochterage told us subconsciously.
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Want to see a magic trick? Watch as Ryan Lochte turns a playful splash into...
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Beer!
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Why can't I have that job? I can swim. I like beer. Oh, wait, I'm a writer. This is my job! Ryan Lochte is just borrowing it.
Also, I know we were supposed to get a kick out of Ryan using his beer to pretend to pee in the pool, his signature victory dance, but all I could think about was how I would loathe sitting there with my suit pants in the water. That's the worst.
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Ryan got to do another promotional photo shoot while in LA. My favorite part of the shoot, of course, was the photographer telling Lochte to give a smile while he was already smiling quite nicely, only for hilarity to ensue.
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Like, that's what you wanted, man? That's the shot?
In any case, MVP goes to publicist Janice this week, who wasn't about to let any mortifying footage get recorded surrounding the fact that someone threw this into Lochte's wardrobe:
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Let's talk about Pink's, shall we? The time had come for the Ryan Lochte Dog to make its debut.
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My sympathy goes out to the female owner of Pink's, who was gift-wrapped her one moment in the spotlight of television, the reveal of the Ryan Lochte Hot Dog poster, only to completely flub.Ty-ra!An embarrassing blunder, or a hip Los Angeles twist on "ta-da!" You decide! Are you a good person or a bad person? Anyway, one moment you're a superstar guest of honor, the next, it's all, get in the kitchen and cook, we're busy.
Here's the recipe, by the way. I know someone out there (probably you) will want this:
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In the end, Lochte might have been put off by the owner's description of his "little hot dog," but it was the Genie Weenie that caught the most flak. Laughs all around, and Ryan's LA buddy was wearing… a scarf! #scarves.
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That's Ryan Lochte's edgy scarf.
Oh, Gene, what's that around your neck? #scarves
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He's in Los Angeles!
Ryan, though, his style surpasses trends, even a trend as tempting as scarves when it's hot out. No scarves or Playboy bunnies for Ryan Lochte. Unless the bunnies invite him, then:
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I mean, is there anything more appropriate than Ryan Lochte heading to an award show thrown by Cartoon Network?
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In other news, the show worked really hard to make it look like Ryan Lochte couldn't come up with any answers to the plethora of the questions posed by reporters on the red carpet. "What is your favorite childhood cartoon?" God forbid the guy wanted, literally, a second to think up an answer. Maybe Powerpuff Girls wasn't sitting there on the tip of his tongue!
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Congrats on the win, though! It must be strange to win an award for something entirely abstract like "how one rolls."
#scarves
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Gene had something up his sleeve, and no, it wasn't in any way, shape, or form a move to Los Angeles. Traffic blows, I feel you, Gene. Don't look now, Lochte, but Gene has had Baywatch babe Carmen Electra shoved in the dank restaurant bathroom for the past two hours of filming.
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Hugging it out was fine, but what would anyone say to Carmen Electra in 2013? My favorite moment was when Lochte clearly revved up to say something like, "I've had a crush on you since I was a little kid," only to bite his tongue and say, "since I started watching Baywatch." I mean, do the math. Same answer.
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Same answer.
By the way, how impressive was Devon's guess surrounding Ryan's newfound celebrity friend? Pamela Anderson was so so close!
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Also, I feel like it's important to note that Ryan Lochte's favorite video game character isn't Princess Peach, but rather, Donkey Kong. Why? He has special banana powers. Jumping Banana, I know your work. I have your number, you dastardly dude. Stop poisoning Ryan Lochte's mind! Although, honestly, Donkey Kong is the man.
Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Episode 5… In Hollywood! Sound off in the comments below or tweet me your reactions to Episode 5 @JoeTranch!