What Would Ryan Lochte Do? - Episode 2 - Photo Recap and Review - The Jumping Banana
Welcome back to the What Would Ryan Lochte Do? photo recap experience! Episode 2 featured Lochte's highly anticipated trip to Washington D.C. as he prepped to deliver a speech as the special celebrity guest at a charity benefit for Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy. By the way, before we begin the recap, some of these D.C. screenshots might look a little shoddy, but keep in mind that in some cases I'm taking screenshots of trip photos. One thing I noticed this week: I don't believe I've ever seen a reality television show production team antagonize its subject more so than the producers working on this show. Ryan Lochte is constantly probed, prodded, pushed, and put on the spot. As I said last week, the show's titular star is just so incredibly nice that any blatant attempts to make him look dumb or douchey usually just end up making whoever's on the other side of the interview or conversation look, well, mean. That's not saying that America's Aquaman isn't largely responsible for the...
Oh, whatever. Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! and #Jeah!
Ryan Lochte is on a mission to meet Abraham Lincoln, and who are we to stand in the way? But first, a trip to the barber shop. They key to staying Lochte fresh is staying Lochte fresh, of course.
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What happens when Ryan Lochte isn't at his freshest, you say?
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"Long hair, don't care." I'm not sure that's truly the meaning of the phrase, but Ryan Lochte defies dictionaries.
We've seen him try bowling! (Sucked.) We've seen him try flag football! (Sucked.) Tonight, we witnessed Ryan Lochte trying his hand at an all new sport… drunk golf. What kind of attire is require to play drunk golf, you ask? A polo? Golf shoes?
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Polos are a thing of the past, and apparently so is hitting the ball. Still, the point of drunk golf is obviously to strike terror in the heart of Gene, Lochte's assistant and best buddy, via golf cart speeding shenanigans. Of course, with drunk golf comes a lot of, well, drinking, so...
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What happens when you pee neon? Doesn't it make sense that world class athlete and probably-superhero Ryan Lochte pees neon? It's a gift! Or he's severely dehydrated.
Three more things to note before we hit D.C.
#1: Ryan Lochte always pees in the pool. Lochte recalled the absolutely devastating story of that one time when he peed on the diving board in front of an audience and cried. I would poke fun, but honestly, I wet my pants playing little league as a kid, and I think that's a lot worse. Why am I posting this on the internet? Anyway, here:
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#2: Boxer briefs are deemed inappropriate by Lochte's mom and his tailor. It was as though they didn't even count as underwear. We're watching Ryan Lochte porn now, apparently.
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#3: Believe it or not, folks, sometimes even the great Ryan Lochte draws a blank. Sometimes he just loses his train of thought, tiny slices of genius lost forever in the ether of his mind. What fills the void, you ask? This little demon:
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The jumping banana is the worst, you guys, but we have to deal with him while he tramples the mind of our on-screen hero.
Okay, so the D.C. trip started off as plain old fun. Lochte and his mother visited the tourist sights on a quest to meet the great Abraham Lincoln. Would Honest Abe be difficult to find? Does he still live in the White House? Could we a get a "jeah" from Abe? Olympian Ryan Lochte still dreams:
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Not even close.
But anyway, "Lochte for President! Jeah!"
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"Four score and seven years ago…"
Rounding out their day of fun in Washington, Lochte and his mom hit up a bar for a few cold ones. There, Ryan was picked up by a trio of D.C. chicks looking to, well, embarrass the guy on his own television show. Now, I'm having fun with this show. I'm a television critic, and I'm paid to do this. Even I know that harassing Ryan Lochte via a bombardment of political questions is just flat-out cruel. Plus, you have an Olympic gold medalist at your table of his own volition. Why not just have fun? By the way, who drinks cosmos anymore? Honestly, in the end, I found myself not caring that Ryan knew nothing about Obamacare or the process of passing legislation.
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Those girls were tools. There, I said it. Is there any greater form of stupidity than the lacking of a sense of humor? They left good ol' American Ryan Lochte feeling all:
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And thinking like:
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But he refused to say anything nasty about them on camera in return. Maybe he just didn't get (probably), or maybe he's just not a jerk.
Eventually, we did make our way to the Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy event, but not before learning how to tie a tie:
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"Genius!"
Say what you want about Ryan Lochte and his reality show, but seeing him talk to a group of young kids with Muscular Dystrophy and inspiring them to keep playing sports was a nice moment.
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Plus, the man delivered a decent speech honoring the kids inflicted with the disease. He's an athlete, so he understands how having the ability to enjoy running, jumping, and swimming truly is a privilege.
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The episode closed with Lochte thanking his mother for being his partner in crime and shaping him into the man he is today. I appreciated the way the scene where Ryan gifts his mother with a brand new car was edited to look like an episode of Punk'd on MTV. See:
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That's all for me, Ryan Lochte fans and haters! Thanks for reading my photo recap and review of E!'s What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and, of course, infinite "jeahs" to you all! You can research and donate to Parent Project Muscular Distrophy HERE!
Oh, I almost forgot!
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"Lochte OUT!"