The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Premiere Photo Recap: Pow! Pow! Pow!
The Real Housewives of New Jersey returned tonight, and as it turned out, the cameras started rolling for Season 5 just as that mega-bitch Hurricane Sandy hightailed it out of Seaside Heights and back to wherever she came from. I'm guessing she's from upstate New York, or wherever MTV dug up the Jersey Shore cast in hopes of devastating New Jersey's beaches. There's nothing quite like a natural disaster to spark a bit of reconciliation, I guess. Episode one saw a strange new dynamic duo arise from the muck of the Season 4 reunion. Zio Joe and Caroline sure are a wacky pair, but hey, it works! I also had a fun time studying Teresa Giudice's hair, as usual. What material is her hair made from? I mean, I know it's real, but it has to be alive. Also, Kathy attempted to help Rosie find a new leading lady, and Jacqueline talked anal bleaching. Meanwhile, beading with Melissa does not look like fun, unless you're Melissa. In which case, whatever, more pink! No red, or you're excommunicated from the family or, worse yet, the show!
Quick Note: I love them all. Don't yell at me.
Let's get started with the photo recap and review!
How else can we start than with:
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
The true star of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was hard at work rebuilding his shore house post-Sandy. Don't be fooled, those aren't tears. Inhaling a whirlwind of buzzed plaster will do that to you.
Teresa recalled her hardest year of marriage in an interview, after which the show cut to this:
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Again, sawdust and such. Nice try, though, Bravo! In all honesty, I grew up down the Jersey Shore, and Hurricane Sandy was an absolutely awful experience. I'm not going to go the "Richie Wakile" route and go as far as to say something like "… in the United States of America?!" Yes, we have weather too.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe Gorga sifted through the wreckage of their own summer house. I enjoyed Melissa's "It smells like the sea. What is this? The sea?" moment as she wondered what particular brand of stench stained her party domain. I'm not going to lie and act like the thought of exploding wouldn't have passed through my mind had I been the one to test the light switch.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Watching the housewives talk about all that they lost during the storm was sort of a strange experience, right? I mean, they're privileged, obviously, but that doesn't mean that having all of the trees in your backyard uproot or losing a second home isn't heinous. The fivesome went into their interview portions so careful about how they explained what they lost. Except for Teresa, of course, who I actually thought ended up handling the situation best!
Teresa rounded up her thirty kids to donate all the glitz and glam they no longer needed in Giudice Manor. Also, Milania decided to throw in her prized possession, a gargantuan stuffed bear.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Of course, the cameras had started rolling, and kids certainly aren't stupid. If the cameras are around, so is Zia Melissa. More importantly, where is little Antonia? Had the time come for Teresa to mend fences with her bro, if only to keep her kids' cousins in their lives?
Meanwhile, the topic of conversation seemed to be the same over at the Gorga residence. Daughter Antonia wrote Teresa's Milania a letter as a school project. I believe that Melissa was a second grade teacher, mostly because of the way she verbally corrected her husband while he read Antonia's letter to Milania aloud. Teachers have that tone, you know?
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Melissa Gorga sips tea like a pro. I think Antonia tried to suggest walking the letter over to the Giudice mailbox.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Well, the alternative seemed to be scribbling down "Milania" or "Malanya" or "Melanie G." or "Whoever," tossing the envelope into the wind, and hoping a flock of singing birds know who to fly the note to.
The letter arrived in mere moments. The magic of television! The magic of New Jersey!
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Okay, tell me that screenshot of Milania Giudice doesn't scream Full House/ Michelle Tanner.
Teresa did her best to paint a smile on. I'm guessing that face reads, "This is cute, but I smell Melissa in the area."
Enter angsty pre-teen Gia, who is entirely over the Gorga/ Giudice feud. Season 5 Gia should be fun, especially because her frustration towards Melissa is just barely kept hidden. After raining on Milania's parade, Gia took the note into her father's den.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"POW! POW! POW! POW!Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
And then, the moment of the Season 5 premiere:
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
What is this, Street Fighter? I was impressed with Juicy Joe's flexibility, honestly. Also, I enjoy having Joe around because of his own signature brand of terse reasoning and rationalizing.
In the meantime, we were graced with the return of Rosie! I'm digging Rosie's new Sante Fe-esque swag. Check out that scarf.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Also, how great was Rosie's recollection of her internet dating experience? Did Rosie get catfished? A three-hundred-pound bottle blond with hideous teeth shows up in place of Rosie's dream gal. I'm going to go ahead say Rosie got catfished, but I'm so glad she did. It gave us the moment above!
Kathy sits, jealous of Rosie's innate ability to speak her mind without any repercussions in return but pure universal joy and endless laughter. Well, Kathy, you can bake? People like baked goods.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Obviously, this recap is lighthearted, so I'm going to glaze over Jacqueline's story arc this week, which surrounded her son's battle with autism. Here's what I'll say; the kid is adorable, seriously, and Jacqueline is certainly doing a kickass job of handling this situation through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
https://twitter.com/JacLaurita/status/341357157251420161
Ugh, I'm hoping she wore this shirt as a gag and not as an omen of grumpy Lauren Manzo moments to come.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Caroline, congrats on your move. Hoboken, no jokin'. Caroline and husband Albert are considering downsizing following the pushing out of the last baby Manzo bird from the 1/16th Italian (Kidding, Lauren, don't kill me.) nest. Are Caroline and Albert cut out for *gulp* apartment life? Well, they're testing the waters.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say guess absolutely not. Real Housewives can't survive in anything conjoined. It's in their blood! It's in their 1/16th Italian blood! (Caroline, I'm kidding. Seriously, I bet your meatballs are awesome. No, I know your meatballs are awesome!)
Melissa and Caroline's favorite cast mate, Zio Joe, popped in for a little housewarming visit. Melissa, I believe, managed to take a crack at Caroline for chasing her boys to North Jersey before even taking off her coat. Once the jacket was off, though, Melissa made herself right at home!
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
You flip your hair and study those stars, Melissa! Well, at least try to find someone nude.
Teresa and Joe, meanwhile, were on a date night out. While Joe harped on how sexy Teresa's especially shellacked hair looked across the table, T found herself caught off guard by a text from, ugh, that girl who married her brother.
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"
Teresa, of course, had suggested that Milania call Antonia to schedule a play date at Giudice Manor, but why would that go smoothly? I can't be the only one who wasn't paying attention at all during these scenes, right? I was too busy studying the phone screens to see who had the best grammar and punctuation. I did appreciate Teresa's reaction to Melissa's request that she control the play date, though.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Not far off were Joe Gorga and Caroline.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
You eat that pizza crust out of boredom, Caroline. Isn't it strange yet brilliant and fitting that Joe Gorga and Caroline Manzo are now officially in the same boat with regard to this whole argument. I mean, Joe is, of course, Teresa's brother, but he's sort of checked out like he's run out of fuel. Caroline, on the other hand, removed herself of her own volition.
You eat that pizza crust, Caroline.
The next day, Caroline clued Jacqueline in as to what had gone down. This sums it up:
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"I'm tired of listening to Gorga/ Giudice family drama. It's right up there on my priority list with bleaching my a**hole.Gia is officially growing up, everybody. She's even got her eye on a special boy.
Gia...Teresa...
What does that mean?..
Well, it's your name.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
I appreciated how Teresa genuinely asked Gia for advice on how to handle the Melissa situation.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Here's the text received:
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
In Melissa's defense, the text says you and bring, so I'm not sure Teresa really needed to finagle her way into the hangout, but I liked Gia's extremely formal and icy polite response to Melissa. She's through with this!
Clearly, Joe Giudice knows exactly what buttons he's pushing, and he couldn't care less.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Teresa Giudice, Jersey's equivalent to the White Witch of Narnia, drives to a bead shop, much to her own dismay. Who beads nowadays?Setting up this play date was like setting up a f***ing wedding.Teresa's hair, I'm sure, considered eating Melissa here. New Jersey's version of a venus fly trap.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Now that the hug was out of the way, the fun(?) would commence.
First, there is no way in Danielle Staub hell that Teresa Giudice would want this in her house.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
That is, unless someone fed her some lies and convinced her that those were actual precious gemstones. In which case, put it on her tab.
Teresa bought Antonia an iPhone 5 for her birthday. Why aren't you my aunt, T?
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Melissa Gorga analyzes the birthday gift above. It went something like, "This better not be the 4g. Look at my hat."
My favorite part of the entire premiere episode was Melissa's virtual beading sweatshop where she dictated what was appropriate to include in these homemade "Best Cousins" bracelets. "Best Cousins," like, is that even a thing? The Bead Lady sure was kooky, but I guess I would be too if I spent most of my time in that place.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"Let them f***ing be kids!Runner-up for best moment had to be Joe's coffee date with Caroline.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Honestly, these two need each other's company at this point, if only for their sanity's sake, am I right? In truth, Caroline encouraged Joe to make another go at repairing things with Teresa, having witnessed Melissa's attempts at making things more difficult and too personal.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
Caroline Manzo sips tea. It's into the Giudice lions' den with our favorite Jersey ginger, and all for the love of Gorga. I give you, Gorgaline.
Bravo "The Real housewives of New Jersey"
What did you think of the Season 5 premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Do you think this season will be the best one yet? Should Melissa be allowed around beads again? Was Kathy there (I forget.)? Do you admire Jacqueline's courage in airing her difficult journey? Did you get an iPhone for your birthday? Are you enjoying the Gorgaline storyline?
Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of the Season 5 premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Hit the comments below or tweet me your responses to episode 1 @JoeTranch!