The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: Go Cook a (Fifth) Book!

Episode 4 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey continued the theme of "I'm not angry, but I can't stand you" that began two seasons ago. It's a strange Jersey motif, isn't it? There's this concept that you need to love anyone and everyone in your family tree. Sometimes when you're forced to love someone, you end up resenting them. In reality, if that pressure had been off to begin with, these relationships might have been fantastic! Of course, I'm referring to Caroline's relationship with competitive meatball making and Jacqueline's relationship with the gym. Just look to Rosie's love of scotch and cigarettes for inspiration, housewives. Let's start the photo recap and review of Season 5 Episode 4!

Episode 4 opened with Melissa's explanation of what had gone down at Gia's birthday party. PS: No Milania this week, so feel free to stop reading if that's what you're waiting for. I know, "what the eff?" right? I borrowed that line from Kathy Wakile.

This is Melissa's Teresa impression:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Wow, that's my Teresa impression, too! It was mentioned that Kim D. stirred the pot, of course, because that's what she-beasts do when they're dwelling in the swamps of New Jersey. Joe Gorga's response:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

"She doesn't even go here!" "Do you even go to this school?" I normally hate Mean Girls quotes because they're just too easy to use, but it was perfect for this occasion. Kim D. needs to be a housewife. Not really, I mean, that's what goes on in her brain when she's not dreaming of destroying Melissa Gorga.

Meanwhile, in a land far far away or, well, like a few blocks down, Joe Giudice did his best Melissa impression:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Wow, that's my Melissa impression, too!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Here's the story. The Manzo boys are opening their own restaurant called… Something NJ? Good Times NJ? Fun NJ? No Teresas Allowed NJ? More importantly, the reason they're opening said restaurant is because BLK has failed to make them any significant money. You do the math. How does that make any sense? I'd like my own restaurant to make me rich. Can I snap my fingers and have it appear?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Caroline and Albert showed up to criticize the food and make the executive chef feel inadequate. Cut to a scene of someone dissing BLK last season, and restaurant over! Seriously, what sabotage! I know it's a reality show, but come on. You go into your kids' restaurant and you fawn over the "delicious" food. If you need to turn and spit it out once the camera pans away, go for it.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I'd like to talk about how Jacqueline skipped her gym session to bash Teresa and her use of botox, but I'm too fascinated with the fact that Chelsea Handler has enough free time on her hands to train one of the Real Housewives at their house.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Don't worry. I'm a firm believer in never posting pictures of anybody's feet, unlike Bravo! Teresa went for a spa day with Juicy Joe's mother. Conversation, of course, turned to Melissa. Basically, in summary, she dresses like a "prostitute" but should be treated like family if only to make the parents involved happy. Also, don't spit in the air. It's an Italian saying! By the way, Bravo, wouldn't it be fun to throw someone Irish or Asian or African American in the mix?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Episode 4 had to center around some grand event, of course. This week, every Wakile turned a year older. Well, not Kathy. Kathy simply kept everyone well fed. Richie wondered what it felt like for daughter Victoria to steal his birthday thunder.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Victoria opted to eat delicious sharp cheese rather than answer… because it felt sensational to steal your big day, Richie!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Meanwhile, Melissa Gorga furthered plans to write *gasp* a book, or better yet, a bible. Melissa has a book in the works with the hope of explaining the way in which you too can manage a marriage that is successful both traditionally and in the modern world aka New Jersey. Basically, you too can be a married Italian and hang out at gay clubs.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Sign me up! I'll pre-order now. Although, I will admit that I didn't really understand the central drama surrounding the book. Melissa, who lost her father at a young age, was torn up about writing about the man's alleged cheating scandals because she was uncomfortable with making the information public… Guys, this is on television right? Am I the only one who gets Bravo?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

By the way, Joe Gorga, your hat if very reminiscent of Teresa's now infamous bejeweled cap of Season 5 episodes past. Thank me for this later, Real Housewives fans:

https://twitter.com/AlexisBellino/status/346760353851523072

You're welcome.

Wakile Birthday party extravaganza! Witness in awe as Kathy tries a Fabellini!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Just kidding, Fabellinis are fatally poisonous to Wakiles. Everybody knows that.

Things started off light enough. Richie, Joe, and the boys attempted to set little Joey up with a girl twice his age.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Meanwhile:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Then talk, of course, turned to Teresa. Melissa attempted to explain the party situation to the other wives.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

"Chihuahuas!"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Then Caroline attempted to stay neutral, which is a good look for Manzo. I don't consider it meddling if you stay neutral, but, alas, Caroline, no one wants to take any responsibility for not liking one another. "Love, love, love!" "Sexy life, loyal wife, take a page from my book! (Pre-order available now!)"

I mean, is there any better explanation than this:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Yep, that is indeed how I view the Gorga/ Giudice clan at the point. Except for Joe Giudice, of course. Joe Giudice is unflappable, it seems.

Kathy was most upset about hearing from Caroline that Tre's absolutely done with her. Again, it's a case of, "I'm not sure I like you." vs. "Be my friend!"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I most agreed with Rosie, needless to say.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I appreciate the value of family ties, but if someone isn't really your cup of tea as an adult… I mean, Kathy's a cousin. That's all I'm saying. She's not a sibling, but to each his own. Rosie, pour a scotch!

The final scene was a gym showdown between Teresa and brother Joe. Joe Gorga's presence was made known by a series of raging "GAAAAAAAAAAAAHS!" due to rabid bench pressing. "GAAAH!" actually means "Teresa, I'm over here. Hi."

At first, things seemed to go well. Teresa playfully spotted Joe on the bench press. Joe joked about her purposefully dropping the bar.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

And so we thought, "Would Teresa do that? Would that be good or bad for cookbook sales?"

Then things digressed into madness.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

There's this strange side war going on surrounding whether or not Melissa lip-synchs. See, I always thought that was common knowledge. Teresa not being able to cook, on the other had, I'm not sure of.

I'm going to give the edge to Teresa this week because she's put out, I believe, four successful cookbooks filled with family recipes, and she's always noted that they were recipes passed down to her. Seriously, though, four books of recipes must contain some of her own work, no? Has she memorize hundreds of her mother's recipes? Who cares if she can cook if her recipes are good? We're not going to her house for Sunday dinner.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Teresa eventually threw her water in Gorga's face and stormed off in a huff, knocking over a gym trashcan in the process. See, I'm the kind of person who would feel so bad about doing that. I'd ruin my epic storm-out to clean up the garbage. Teresa, though, is a true pink power ranger.

What did you all think of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 5 Episode 4? Who won the gym battle? Did you understand Rosie's point amidst her tirade? Would you like to try Caroline's balls?

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 5 Episode 4! Feel free to tweet me your responses to the episode @JoeTranch!