The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: Battle Zone NJ

Ooh, so Jersey girls do go to the gym. Episode 3 taught me that. Not that anyone on this show ever strikes me as out-of-shape, but I just assumed the women of Franklin Lakes were naturally fit. I assumed that their special brand of NJ pasta was actually comprised of negative carbs and anti-fats or that one table flip every few years burned enough calories for a lifetime. Strange, an episode that surrounded a workout-themed bout also featured lots of tasty desserts. Heads up; call me a party pooper all you want but having birthday cake smeared all over my face is not my idea of a good time.

You know my preface: Don't hate me. Whatever you do, don't hate. I love all of them!

The episode opened with Teresa's workout. Fascinating, seriously:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

She's like a flying super-villainess (because she's wearing purple, Teresa fans. I know she's your heroine!) doing that routine! Fun fact: I actually did the "suicide drills" Teresa completed effortlessly just before watching episode 3, and I looked like a total wreck, I'm sure! Teresa Giudice eats cannolis stuffed with pure power instead of cream, clearly.

Later, Melissa and Kathy would venture to… the same gym. I know, right? They're just aching to battle with Teresa over the use of that last elliptical machine. Although, Kathy did admit to hating the routine Melissa chose. Not to bash Kathy Wakile, because I think all of the Jersey ladies are attractive women, but didn't she kind of transform into Billy the zombie from Hocus Pocus during that cardio class. See:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Don't worry, Kathy, that's what I look like too whenever I exert myself. Melissa on the other hand, had the worst sore throat of all time and still managed to pull out the greatest exercise routine ever performed. She said it, not me. (Okay, I said it.)

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

*Cough Cough* "I'm sick…….."

Kathy called bull on Melissa's alleged illness. You see, Tre's father landed himself in the intensive care unit yet again this episode.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

The man is old and was suffering from another case of pneumonia. Juicy Joe made it seem as though Nonno had to be treated like Bubble Boy. Meaning, anyone with a sniffle should steer clear of visiting hours. See, this is why I sympathized with Melissa regardless of whether she was truly sick or not. I feel like I would have convinced myself that I'd had a sore throat. You know if, God forbid, something did happen to Nonno, Melissa would have been the first target.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Jacqueline showed up with some wild story about almost getting into a car accident, which lead her to miss the gym class. That makes total sense to me. You're terrified by a near car-wreck experience so you spend the next unnecessary hour-and-a-half of excessive time driving aimlessly in the car.

Mistake: Teresa should have bitten her tongue hard as opposed to laughing at the revelation of Kathy and Jacqueline daring to step foot in the gym.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Ugh, Kim D. is the equivalent of a Game of Thrones white walker, right? She pops up out of the blue and uninvited to call people "fat" and eat babies, then she sips cheap red wine and cries internally about not being a true Real Housewife.

https://twitter.com/RosiePierri/status/346424224812003329

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Jacqueline had a better showing elsewhere this week. Nicholas, who continues to drive ratings up exponentially via cuteness points, is the proud owner of an oxygen chamber. Basically, it's a personal pod for naps that, for whatever reason, helps children with autism to excel. Everyone seemed to be worried about, you know, the toddler getting claustrophobic in what was essentially an inflated sleeping bag that was to be zipped completely closed. The kid looked like he was loving the peace and quiet, if you ask me!

https://twitter.com/RosiePierri/status/346441424377634816

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Caroline later spoke with Jacqueline surrounding her encounter with Teresa, and, of course, alerted Jacqueline to Teresa's request for an apology. Jacqueline responded as so:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

In a very similar fashion, Caroline spoke with Zio Joe regarding the conversation. Basically, Teresa currently views Jacqueline and Kathy as, for lack of a better term, the worst, but Joe Gorga is a-okay… so long as he apologizes. Caroline wisely left that part out. By the way, Caroline, I don't care what you say. Some people love to hate others. (Many viewers love to hate Teresa.) You, on the other hand, hate to love Teresa, and the feeling is mutual.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

By the way, I know Melissa is pissed that Joe Gorga loves Caroline more than her, but I'm not.  I'm loving Gorgaline. Plus, I really don't consider it "meddling" if Caroline is working her hardest to not take sides. (You know Teresa loved it when Caroline agreed that Melissa should cop to being a "bitch" to Tre during the premiere.)

PS: Meet Moo shu Manzo.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Fran has brought everything from a python to a squirrel into the Manzo Mansion. I believe Caroline even noted some sort of butterfly rescuing? Fran, you're a saint. Caroline, you're even better. You're house is literally a petting zoo; however, pigs are allegedly very smart. Maybe he can help mediate?

https://twitter.com/CarolineManzo/status/346424436506898433

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Finally, much of the episode surrounded Gia's looming birthday party at… Battle Zone. Yes, the cameras constantly flashed to the illuminated sign headlining the main event in which Melissa was expected to attend. Zio Joe, unfortunately, was way too sick. See:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Take a look at that, seriously. What is he drinking? What is that potion? "Melissa, throw every lemon we have into a single glass of lukewarm tap water, babe. You're not a stripper. Thanks!"

https://twitter.com/joegorga/status/346422763935920128

Before we get to the finale party battle royale, here was the most important fight of the episode:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

HA! Melissa Gorga does her own kids' hair. You call yourself a Jersey Housewife? Or maybe, just maybe, it means more to a Jersey girl to not use some slipshod salon to braid your child's locks? Melissa did absolutely use an entire can of that hairspray on Gino's (Joey? Gio?) faux-hawk. Then again, this is what Teresa thinks:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

By the way, hairstylist who braided NJ ruler Milania's hair; I'm a 25-year-old dude, and I could have done a better job of knitting even braids on that genius' head.

Before the big finale of episode 3, let's have some fun. Juicy Joe and Gia also spent some one-on-one time this week.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

I was impressed that 12-year-old Gia went with strawberry cheesecake flavored ice. What a bold move, right? To put things into perspective, Sophia Grace from The Ellen Show is 10! 10! I know, my mind was blown too. When I was 10 I was trading Pokemon cards for drugs behind the tire swing. (No, not really…)

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Also, Rosie committed grand theft auto and stole Richie's Ferrari with nephew Joseph.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Seriously, I like Kathy, but she has to be sitting pretty knowing that Rosie is her sister. There is no way this show is losing Rosie anytime soon.

Let us debate: Did Melissa really listen to her own song on the way to the party, or was that set up by the show?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

https://twitter.com/melissagorga/status/346430847458635777

Whoever thought to not tell Melissa that Gia's birthday was a White Party needs to get a bonus from Bravo because she showed up in red! That was my favorite part of episode 3, hands down.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

*Pondering, Pondering, Pondering*

Here's what went down. Melissa, allegedly, waited four days to visit Nonno in the hospital; however, Melissa begged to differ. Apparently, Zio Joe himself drove Nonno (Although, we did hear Tre's mom say that she called an ambulance earlier.) and Melissa visited the next day.

https://twitter.com/joegorga/status/346425711956992001

The ladies each cited a different day as the night Nonno was admitted, blah, blah, blah… This is the kind of beast who drinks red wine at a white party:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Melissa decided to pack up and leave just following her arrival, and she wouldn't even stay for cake. Anyone from an Italian family knows that skipping "cake" is the equivalent of skipping Christmas to hit up a strip club... Ooh, sore subject. Scratch that and replace "strip club" with brothel? Yeah, I'm cool with that replacement.

https://twitter.com/melissagorga/status/346433255865712643

Party's Over?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of NJ"

Party's over.

What did you think of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 3? Was Melissa truly sick? Do you enjoy having cake rubbed all over your head? Do you think Caroline is meddling? Would you like Moo Shu Manzo in your garage? Does Jacqueline owe Teresa an apology? Do get territorial when it comes to your gym? Is Kim D. human?

Hit the comments below or tweet me your responses to episode 3 @JoeTranch!

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 3!