The Carrie Diaries - Season 1 Episode 3 - Recap and Review - Read Before Use

The Carrie Diaries continued its premiere season run tonight. “Read Before Using” proved that teenage girls of the 80s were just as scary as those of today, boys never say the right thing, and the only folks this show’s stylists are willing to dress entirely retro are those they’re willing to peg as potential villains. Still, now that the series has found its groove, it looks like smooth sailing ahead. Cue Styx’s “Come Sail Away”.

The episode opened with Carrie Bradshaw (Annasophia Robb) contemplating the purpose of labels, even going as far as to test some past-due yogurt for research. Okay, that was an accident. Over in her high school hallways, Maggie (Katie Findlay) was quickly pegged as a “drama queen,” and both Carrie and Mouse (Ellen Wong) meandered their way through the minefield that is Maggie’s breakup with Walt. Walt took a break this week, while Maggie attempted to toss her label in the trash along with him.

Carrie was more so concerned with how she’d handle the Sebastian (Austin Butler) situation. Having been banned from seeing him for no good reason by her father, Carrie turned to Larissa (Freema Agyeman) for advice. According to her, boys aren’t really worth toying with at all if they don’t have a bad streak. I’m not sure whether they’re setting this woman up to be a mere plot device, like someone they can constantly count on to stir the pot, or if they’re building her up to be a straight-up villainess. I’m guessing the latter, judging by the tail of this episode.

Meanwhile, Carrie’s father, Tom (Matt Letscher), was getting used to the world of widowers. It’s not everyday you get picked up buying tampons as a man, but a little chitchat with a single woman down that aisle in the grocery store turned into a pick-up at the drop of the word “widower.” Tom found himself confused, and the lady found herself turned on.

Dorrit (Stefania Owen), peeved that her father bought French bread, something from Stouffer’s, and pizza as opposed to her request of “Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza,” decided to take things out on the animal world, and scurried herself over to the rodent section of the local pet store with the intention of stealing herself a friend.

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Having had enough of sneaking around campus to make time for Sebastian, and looking forward to the prospect of actual honest dates, Carrie had reached her breaking point with her father’s boy-ban. I think it was the sharing-of-the-headphones session in the garden that did her in. Maybe the new Cars album pushed her over the edge. In any case, Carrie managed to finagle the answer out of her father. Sebastian was a client. Meaning, he literally and legally couldn’t talk about things. See, he wasn’t just being a jerk. That night, Carrie found herself rummaging through confidential case files for Sebastian’s secret. *gasp *

Mouse and Maggie had differing opinions on how Carrie should handle the fact that Sebastian had inappropriate relations with the art history teacher form his former school. Mouse was appropriately grossed out by the idea, joining Mr. Bradshaw’s campaign against the blondie. Maggie, on the other hand, mused that an art history teacher could probably do a lot of creative teaching. Eh, a pedophile is a pedophile, if you ask me.

Mouse had been considering the idea of taking Seth back, although she had trouble admitting it. Maggie had attempted to brighten her spirits by making her over from mathlete to minx, only to pepper the entire scene with barbs of fiery rage directed at anything too “Walt.” And so, the drama queen in Maggie turned to Carrie for fashion help regarding Mouse. While searching for shoes on the other end of the phone, Carrie upturned Dorrit’s new hamster, Morrissey. The sisters agreed to keep each other’s secrets. Meaning, Carrie would keep mum about the hamster, so long as Dorrit didn’t rat about Carrie seeing Sebastian that evening. See what I did there?

Later, Carrie and Sebastian continued sharing some tunes in the park, only to have their music session transform into a make-out session. Afterwards, Carrie asked precisely the wrong question with, “where did you learn to kiss like that?” Sebastian, playing it cool, responded with, “I had a good teacher.” Bye, Kydd! Carrie was gone.

After getting turned off by Sebastian’s comment, Carrie accompanied Mouse into Manhattan to meet with Seth. Instead of doing something her buddies dubbed lame, like going to Serendipity, The Mouse found herself dragged into the bowels of 80s Hell a.k.a. one of Larissa’s events. Seth, too. This particular event ended up being a party thrown surrounding a new art exhibit. Get this; a former porn star named Monica Penny decided to “take back her vagina” by offering a flash to anyone who would approach her throne and offer an actual penny. That’s right, folks! This porn star sold a flash for a single cent and considered it the taking back of her kook. Girl power?

When Mouse’s turn to participate popped up, she froze on the spot, and in a fit of panic, she bolted from the scene. Honestly, I thought Mouse understood the exhibit better than the artist. Basically; "I’m sure your vagina is great, but I’ll pass." Doesn’t that make sense? Meaning, who cares if it’s cheap. Keep it to yourself! Carrie, on the other hand, found herself too pressured by the sorceries of Larissa to pass. Plus, she couldn’t care less. After donating her penny, and catching a glimpse, Carrie was ready to walk away, declaring the vagina to be “textbook.” Monica Penny, though, saw something in Bradshaw that was reminiscent of herself at a younger age. Low point of Carrie's existence? “Don’t let men make your choices,” she advised in front of the entire crowd.

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Yikes... Larissa...

At first, Carrie was caught up in the hoopla, only to find herself mortified when Monica insisted she take the throne and start flashing! “Take the throne! Take the throne!” hollered every partygoer (whose mothers are obviously very proud). No thanks, freaks! Carrie was out of there, too. Larissa tailed her to the door, offering words of disgrace for Carrie daring to not go bottomless on stage in a room full of perfect strangers. It seems whenever Carrie shows some dignity, she’s deemed inadequate by Larissa. Carrie explained that by refusing, she’d taken ownership of herself. After which, Larissa somewhat relented. Still, I’m waiting for the episode where she gets jealous of Carrie and decides to try to take her down. That’s kind of the beauty of a prequel series like this; we know Carrie ends up having it all, already!

Downtown, Mouse and Seth reconnected over Serendipity, as she’d originally hoped they would. As it turned out, Seth likes his girlfriends dorky. That’s right, he called Mouse his girlfriend and blamed awkwardness for his completely inept behavior. Seriously, dude? Not returning phone calls for weeks is bogus, in any case. Meaning, you should return any regular old human’s calls after weeks of messages, let alone the calls of your “girlfriend.”

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Back in Connecticut, Maggie said her goodbyes to Bear Bear, a memory of her first kiss with Walt. After slashing him to pieces, she high-tailed it over to Carrie’s in an attempt to make things right. Only, Carrie was in New York, leaving only punky Dorrit to handle the situation. Dorrit had been busy searching for Morrissey, who’d already attempted his first escape from shoebox Alcatraz. Dorrit agreed to help Maggie repair Bear Bear, a healthy result of releasing some tension, if Maggie, in turn, searched for Morrissey. A breakup is a breakup, and these ladies were banding together.

Meanwhile, Tom Bradshaw found himself in another part of New York with an old bachelor buddy. Max Medina from Gilmore Girls? At a local singles bar, Tom found out that being a widower is, like, the ultimate catnip to single women, once again. Still, he also found himself somewhat unnerved by the whole situation. His buddy thought him to be crazy, even deciding to start falsely using a dead wife as a pickup line.

Once Carrie made her way back home with a newfound respect for her relationship with Sebastian, she decided to confess what’d happened to her father. After assuming she’d appear more adult, she was shocked to find her father absolutely pissed off as opposed to absolutely impressed. Going through case files was illegal, and threatened his job. With a seemingly awful Carrie on his hands, Dorrit didn’t seem so bad. After hearing that her mother had promised her a hamster, he changed his no-pets policy and allowed Morrissey (whom he’d accidentally found) to stay a Bradshaw.

The next day, Carrie talked to Sebastian about the entire situation. Unfortunately, Sebastian didn’t react the way she’d hoped. Instead, he dumped her! Too much snooping? I don’t know. I think that was pretty weak of an excuse, even if he wasn’t comfortable dating his secret lawyer’s daughter. Oh, right; he was clueless to the fact that his parents had even hired a lawyer to protect his ass. Later, Carrie accompanied her father and Dorrit to the pet store to buy the hamster a legitimate cage. There, she apologized for breaking his trust, and he comforted her over her breakup.

What did you all think of Season 1 Episode 3 of The Carrie Diaries, “Read Before Use”? Do you think Carrie’s spill to Sebastian will hurt her father’s career? Do you trust Larissa? Did you miss Walt? We know Sebastian doesn’t make it to “...the City,” so is their relationship doomed to go down in flames already?

Thanks for reading my Recap and Review of Season 1 Episode 3 of The Carrie Diaries, “Read Before Use”!