Real Housewives of New Jersey - Finale Photo Recap: Who Doesn't Save Their Textuses?

Episode 18, the finale, of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey brought the drama to a close with a housewarming barbecue at Tre’s rejuvenated shore house. We began this season with that mega bitch, Super storm Sandy, whirling a maelstrom of horror through the lives of our favorite Jersey Housewives, only to watch these women, once again, subsequently sift through lies and backstabbing to find peace within their ranks. What do you know? Everyone lived to sip another fabellini. I should say, everyone lived through sipping that scary blk. to sip another fabellini. Here is the Photo Recap and Review of Season 5 Episode 18 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, the season finale!

Textuses: I decided to go with that spelling of the plural of "text message" because I figured Teresa was aiming for the English plural of "cactus" which is "cactuses." Not to be confused with the Latin plural, "cacti."

In any case, wouldn't you save your text messages from Teresa Giudice if you really had all of that dirt?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

What is there really to say about any sort of a confrontation that would take place at a Jersey boutique known as “Posche 2”? I decided not to infect my computer with screenshots of Penny and her "GREEK" husband, who refused to give any sort of rhyme or reason as to why they’d either A) Attack the Gorgas/ Lauritas for fun or B) obey Teresa mindlessly.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

>--[-D-: %   <-- That's Penny. I made her hair a percent symbol, and she's frowning.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Isn’t it weird to think of grown adults with children in Twitter wars? Anyway, as I stated in the intro, I was hoping for more footage of the much-hyped fistfight, but from the way it was shot, I’m pretty sure someone just dropped a piece of a equipment that made a loud enough noise to startle Teresa into a corner.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

The best part of the Posche 2 showdown had to be Caroline Manzo’s shout fest with shadow demon Kim D.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

And then I found myself confused because here's Caroline getting comforted by her son, Christopher:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

(Whoops, I spy a camera man. Does that give the Housewives free reign to break the fourth wall now and start acknowledging that they’re on a television show on tape? Bravo broke the rules first, people!)

And then here's Caroline, mere milliseconds later, backing Kim D.:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Sorry, Caroline. I had to. (No, I didn't.)

Joe and Melissa seemed more exhausted than anything the morning after.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

See, coffee.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I’m not sure who Richie is, but Jeff Goldblum arrived just in time to kiss Zio Joe’s boo boo to make it better.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

At first I was certain that Kathy was merely upset over the alleged brawl that happened the night prior. Then I realized that Melissa had put Kathy to work slicing a giant slab of salami as soon as she walked through the door.

We were then treated (?) to this strange montage of Caroline Manzo memories as she strolled through the various rooms of her Manzo Manor, reminiscing about scenes of Housewives episodes past. Of course, I sliced and diced the sentimental family moments to highlight the joy that was Caroline Manzo Season 1 and her rockin' hairdo.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

That woman will punch you.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Kudos to you, Caroline. You’ve come a long way. Please, stop begging me to cover Manzo’d with Children. That day will never come. (Teresa is paying me far too much not to.)

Speaking of my boss Teresa, I loved watching Jacqueline walk on eggshells in order to slowly but surely convince Tre to maybe, somehow, someway, before the year 2050 to kind of maybe apologize to her brother and Melissa for knowing Penny ever so slightly through the grapevine on Myspace.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Then, Jacqueline’s heart skipped a beat, and we had a breakthrough!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

This helped, obviously.

At the blk. tasting session, Teresa would eventually gather the strength to admit any wrongs to Joe Gorga.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I was more concerned with having to drink all of that black water. I enjoyed, of course, Teresa’s note that fruit punch smells like fruit.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I also liked that she sniffed the elixir cautiously before Albie Manzo encouraged them all to give the stuff a whiff. In the end, Teresa admitted to feeling slightly amazing over hearing some awful rumors about Melissa while the two were estranged.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Just like that? Okay.

BARBECUE!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Juicy Joe, breakout star of Season 5, I appreciated your deep words of symbolic wisdom. “Don’t feed the birds!” If you feed the birds on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, they multiply in droves and sh*t all over you.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

To close this recap and review, the finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey rolled straight into a Watch What Happens Live special where Juicy Joe and Teresa gave a tell all interview regarding their current, slightly tremendous, legal woes. Also, Kathy bought a new kitchen.

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of the Season 5 Finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Don’t forget to tweet me your opinions, if you so choose, @JoeTranch!

Bonus!