The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: Dr. V, Gorga Whisperer

After the massive breakthrough that was last week’s close, Season 5 Episode 9 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, was sort of thick with odd tension. Normally, I’m all about the drama and the table flipping, but this was like a weird kind of “walking on eggshells” experience for this reviewer. As soon as Melissa started hitting the bottle hard, I was just waiting for her to slip up and shred Dr. V’s progress to ribbons. Dr. V looks great in the snow, by the way. Caroline, meanwhile, drove four hours for a cup of tea and the chance to help Rosie build a snowman. Let’s theorize; what brand of juice fills Juicy Joe? How did not one person catch a damn fish? Was anyone else on the edge of their couch after realizing that these people chose to conduct their “trust drop and catch” experiment, drunk, in front of a lit fireplace? Here is the Photo Recap and Review of Season 5 Episode 9 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I was clear about this last week, but Melissa’s “bow down, you’re the queen” route during the team building exercises/ pre-Joe vs. Joe brawl was way way over the top and a clear attempt at fabricated martyrdom, but what the hell do I know? Look:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

See, they know.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Meanwhile, Dr. V continued to play Gorga Whisperer with effortless ease, managing to parlay a warm hug between siblings into much needed meatball-fueled momentum. Send in Melissa!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

The tongue thing. It’s like Teresa is attempting to bite her tongue for whatever reason but, instead, just lets it go wild. Go for it. This is The Real Housewives of New Jersey!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Do you think Teresa’s hug-and-lift moment with Melissa had any ounce of “Should I throw her now?” to it? Probably, but chilled Fabellinis waited downstairs, and Juicy Joe had yet to be summoned to Dr. V’s presence.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

One thing we learned for certain during Episode 9 was that Juicy Joe is not cut out for group therapy. Although, wasn’t the solution for all of this very “Joe Giudice” in the end? It was all very “Shut up and move on this is Season 5,”(run on sentence) you know?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

In truth, Teresa’s breakthrough with brother Zio Joe seemed to fuel her tank enough to inspire a ton of random apologies over the course of the hour. Dr. V was spent following her session with the Gorga/ Giudice clan, leaving Kathy to wing it with a plain-old boring kitchen table apology session that took about forty-five seconds.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

While the ladies minus Caroline, who required an episode-long nap, and Rosie, who’d rather sip scotch in the middle of a frozen tundra than deal with girl gossip, cooked up something skinny and Italian for dinner, the men hightailed it over to Dr. Seuss’ Whoville for an ice fishing bonding session.

See?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

A real live Who!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

More importantly, Rosie kept things in check as Joe Giudice attempted to make either rhyme or reason out of the fact that that Joe Gorga spent the entirety of the Joe vs. Joe brawl searching for his manhood.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

By that, I mean penis. There’s really no way to sugar coat that talk, is there?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Dinner was served, and Melissa was sloshed! This was when I started to get that nervous feeling in my stomach like she’d dare to mention Kim D. or strippers or cheating, you know? In the end, Melissa merely called Kathy a “quiet whore.”

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Kathy, I’m assuming, was a better sport because her product was placed smack in the middle of our screens for an entire drunken dinner. Kathy Wakile’s Red Velvet Cosmo, everybody! Don’t worry about having trouble finding it. There’s a giant photograph of Kathy stamped on every bottle to remind you that a real live Housewife brewed the liquor-laced beverage gracing your lips.

Let Joe Giudice’s Milania impression segue us seamlessly into our final act.

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Joe Giudice, since his therapy session with Dr. V, spiraled from “I don’t give a crap” to “big softy who makes wine” over the course of the rest of Episode 9.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

He’d brought a bottle of wine he’d brewed with Chris Laurita just in case Jacqueline and her hubby decided to make the drive over to the now infamous castle.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

By the way, Jacqueline, I’m sorry… I cannot take any more “There’s a witch in that castle!” jokes from you people. Am I crazy? Do witches live in castles with kings and knights and wizards? See, I always thought witches lived in, like, swampy shacks in the woods. How does a witch afford a big giant castle, even one in the tri-state area?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

What do we think of this? Funny moment of trust between lesbian Rosie and her sister’s husband? Or Rich, too far… You be the judge, America!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I can’t say that I fully enjoyed the "drop-and-catch" trust activity solely due to the fact that whoever organized it decided to stage the game in front of a lit marble fireplace. Fall and get caught; you know you have a friend you can trust! Fall and get dropped; lucky you’re unconscious from banging your head because you’re about to go on fire!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I totally agree with Melissa that Joe Giudice looks physically poppable, as though you could stick a pin in him and actual juice would spray out. What kind of juice, though? Spoiler alert/ plot twist! It’s extra virgin olive oil. Ha! Extra virgin… I crack myself up.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I know Caroline is all about repairing the friendship between Teresa and Jacqueline, but my favorite relationship, if you’ve been keeping up with these recaps, is Caroline/ Tre. Teresa begrudgingly agreed to speak with Jacqueline if Caroline would indulge her in a trust fall.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Somewhere, in my mind, Dina Manzo is seething with jealousy and smashing a Fabellini bottle in her blind rage.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

In the end, a probably-drunk Joe Giudice teared up with his wife as they came to the decision to make things right with Jacqueline and Chris, who’ve obviously been struggling with their son’s battle with autism.

What did you think of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 9? Feel free to tweet me your response to Episode 9 @JoeTranch!

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 9!