The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: Rosie's Rays of Scotch-Soaked Sunshine

The Real Housewives of New Jersey is interesting in that I’m fairly sure most of this drama would still be going on if the cameras were to *gasp* leave these women behind. I mean, I’m not so sure Caroline and Jacqueline would be as involved, but I’m pretty sure the gym showdown of last week’s Episode 4 and the virtual bar brawl of this week’s Episode 5 would have inevitably occurred. In the meantime, Richie Wakile continued to sabotage(?) Kathy’s business from the inside out. He married a housewife (Obviously, thank Bravo.) not an entrepreneur! His words, not mine. Cannolis drive everybody crazy. Let me tell you something about the Manzo family (A play off of Caroline’s iconic quote. I tried. It didn’t exactly work); they’re repelled by children and hate dating. Kryptonite to an Italian-American mom from Jersey! Stay strong, Caroline! Let us begin the Photo Recap and Review!

Episode 5 of The Real Housewives of NJ opened with the fallout over Joe Gorga’s battle with Teresa Giudice at the gym. Joe rolled back into his driveway, muttering to himself as he so often does. “Bitch. Bitch. Bitch…” I wonder, does he picture us listening or is that just natural?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

In truth, we finally have some clarity with regard to the whole “my parents love you” situation. Teresa had attempted to convince Melissa that the Gorga folks wished she’d come around more, but Joe’s “My parents look at you like you’re the devil” said otherwise, right?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Melissa had used the B-word in a tweet… bankruptcy, oof. In an effort to clear his name from the “pussy-whipped” labeling Teresa had bestowed upon him, Joe scolded his wife for daring to call out Teresa over Twitter. Accusing a Real Housewife of renting a Chanel bag is apparently a travesty punishable by death or, worse, exiling from New Jersey.

Meanwhile, Teresa and husband Juicy journeyed to an indoor sports zone to watch Milania not practice soccer and discuss Melissa’s use of a strap-on in the bedroom. I like how the show edited in a random woman glancing over to make it seem as though the entire arena had heard Joe Giudice’s slam.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Of course, the only thing better than hearing Juicy Joe describe a Napoleon Complex was this:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Straight into Milania’s face. The quickest Giudice (Milania) recovered like a champ, brushing off the blow and continuing with her carefree shenanigans. Teresa’s competitive! She’s the best at children’s indoor soccer! The best!

The other women of Jersey attended some sort of wild glamorizing and glorifying beauty event in which we had the absolute pleasure of watching Jacqueline get her eyebrows done and someone toying with Kathy’s hair... More importantly, someone petted Rosie while Caroline took a call from Teresa.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I love how Caroline has become Teresa’s closest thing to an ally on this show. When did that happen, right? Like I’ve said in the past, I don’t care what they say, they’re the opposite of people who love to hate. They hate to love each other. What a wonderful byproduct of The Real Housewives of New Jersey this newfangled relationship is!

I’m going to glaze over Jacqueline’s storyline this week because I like to keep these Photo Recap and Reviews light and fun. She continued her battle for son Nicholas’ recovery this episode. Autism is difficult, but she and Chris seem to be doing damn well.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Also, I’m just putting it out there, but Nicholas is probably the cutest kid the Housewives franchise has put on our television screens yet. Give the boy a raise! He’s making more than Lauren Manzo, I’d hope.

Speaking of the Manzo brood, Caroline made pasta because she’s Italian. Caroline, do Italians who are only 1/16^th use jar sauce? Kidding, kidding, kidding… Don’t kill me. Fry all the meatballs you want!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Basically, after witnessing their father’s absence over the course of their lives due to work, the Manzo children have turned into success mongers. Careers first and everything else probably never, it seems. At least, that’s what they’d like? I think? Christopher for one wants nothing to do with children or marriage. Heaven forbid he should end up with such a disastrous and devastating horror-creature known as a little girl. Cool it, Manzo.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Also, we spent a few moments visiting the lair of Lauren Manzo known as Cafface, but I wasn’t really interested in screencapping that. I probably shouldn’t be typing this. I will be fired and banished to this Cafface forever.

Much of Episode 5 surrounded Kathy’s budding dessert business, and Richie’s absolute need to control his lady’s brand. She wanted a blue box with a ribbon. “What a treat!” Rich decided on a plain white box that should honestly be used to store old glassware or Christmas cards.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Is ordering thousands of anything right off the bat ever a good idea in any case?

Next, Richie decided to go ahead and rent out a professional kitchen for Kathy. Kathy, clad in an arctic parka as though she were on her way to save the polar bears, was not amused.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

There’s not doubt in my mind that Kathy has no idea how to use any of that intimidating chef equipment, and I don’t blame her! Me, personally… I was more baffled as to how a guy who appeared to be around my age (mid-twenties) owned a professional kitchen. Am I supposed to have one? What am I doing with my life? I’m watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I’ll be right back…

Also, remember when Kathy was a Navi from Avatar for Halloween?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Now you do!

In a continuation of the most ridiculous storyline of Season 5 thus far, Melissa invited her family over to discuss the difficult writing process of creating her upcoming advice book. Things started off just fine:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Only to crumble into this when the topic of her father popped up:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Are we really going to pretend like this isn't going to be televised and more people will likely pick up a copy of Melissa's book than watched the last few episodes? The story is out. The jig is up. Move on.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

The most important scene this week was, of course, Rosie’s showdown with Teresa. First, she and Joe Gorga sipped scotch and discussed the dichotomy of being hotheaded softies who butt heads with the woman known as “Tre.”

Just like Caroline made sure to cook that spaghetti like there’s no tomorrow, Teresa made sure to squeak this scene in:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Then Rosie called and disrupted Tre's quest to become, obviously, the next Julia Child.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Fabulicious!: On the Grill: Teresa’s Smoking Hot Backyard Recipes available everywhere now! Side note: have you ever seen a book title with two colons? She’s done it! See, she’s taking over the world one baked meatball at a time.

Teresa most definitely upgraded her wardrobe to "super-villainess" level for Season 5. She's coming out the gate swinging! She knows what she's doing.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

My favorite part of the pub showdown, besides Rosie’s presence, was that Teresa asked for a cabernet and was handed a heaping glass of Kathy’s Red Velvet Cosmo.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

“Not bad…” translates to “pure venom” in Teresa talk.

Things started out smiley:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Only to explode into what can best be described as:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

And here's the best part:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Desperate times.

In the end, even Teresa Giudice cannot resist the charms of Rosie. The two hugged it out and left ready and willing to try a holistic healing adventure.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

What did you think of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 5? Is holistic healing the answer? Is Richie too controlling? Does Teresa write her own books? Is Caroline actually Italian? Will you buy Melissa's book? Is there anything better than a heaping portion of Rosie with a side of scotch?

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 5!