Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: Happy Birthday, Melissa?

Episode 14 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey spent most of its time exposing members of the cast via an incredibly adept and in tune super-horse. That’s right, with the help of Wyatt, otherwise known as Kenny Rogers, each member of our Jersey crew stepped up to the plate, attempted to open up, and cleaned horse dung out of this miracle worker’s hooves for free! Melissa, as previously stated, was made to look ignorant and out of touch following her refusal to commit to the activity. What a crazy Housewife! I love seeing my loved ones cry in agony during my birthday festivities! Here is the Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 14, “A Horse Whisper to a Scream”!

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I was all for Melissa Gorga getting assertive with her husband over wanting some much-deserved bikini time and a damn cocktail her birthday vacation. Joe Gorga seemed receptive as well! Of course, things wouldn’t necessarily work out that way.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Meanwhile, Jacqueline and her hubby, Chris, discussed Teresa’s “karma will get my kids” remark from last week’s episode. Had Teresa seriously insinuated that Jacqueline’s mistakes gave her child autism? I’m going to go ahead and say that was a classic case of Teresa not thinking before she spoke. Seriously, though, Tre… C’mon!

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Of course, I loved the show’s dramatic shot featuring a looming Teresa in the background, only to see her pounce-attack Jacqueline during brunch.

The gang was all pumped up to get to ride some horsies, only to learn that they’d spend their day shedding more tears while grooming a horse for free! In all seriousness, though, as someone who’s, funny enough, worked with horses. They do have a keen sense of someone’s emotional state and vulnerability. This is for real! It’s an equine gift!

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Kenny Rogers took time out of his busy schedule to expose the cast members of Real Housewives of New Jersey, flaws and all! Melissa, Happy Birthday! Here’s a montage of screenshots of your loved ones crying over several years’ worth of emotional suffering and anguish!

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Rosie never felt “good enough,” coming from a catholic upbringing and living out a different life path than what was expected.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Kathy and Rich expressed their marital woes and their anger issues.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Jaqueline secretly wept for her failed friendship with Teresa and some harbored doubts surrounding their future.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

And not that emotional abuse should be taken lightly by any means, but wasn’t it a bit shameless of the show to tease Albert’s arc this week by cutting out Kenny Rogers’ explanation of the situation? By the way, props to Wyatt for reading Albert Manzo’s soul through his eyes. Teach me your tricks!

In other news:

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Happy Birthday, Melissa?

The Gorga/ Giudice clan was not interested in delving deep at all, completely missing the point of the exercise from the get-go.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Whatever you say, Joe.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Teresa’s crippling fear of having the horse maliciously turn on her prevented any real progress there, too. Eventually, she and Juicy trotted off to chat with Milania, a conversation that was first edited to seem like another “Juicy c-word cheating scandal”- kind of a moment.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Oddly enough, it was Joe Giudice who’d save his kin’s reputation, finally opening up about his severe legal woes and fear of leaving his family behind of silly past mistakes.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

The crowd cheered, and Caroline even admitted to wanting to squeeze the juice right out of Juicy (I mean, via hug, people! She wanted to hug him!) following his emotional breakthrough.

The horse was so in love with Juicy Joe, in fact, that it, well, popped wood, and we were treated to an excellent shot of Jacqueline unknowingly gazing off between the horses junk.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

“And the Emmy for ‘Best Cinematography’ goes to… RHONJ!!”

Afterwards, Jacqueline, Chris, Kathy, and Rich separately, as couples, reacted to the emotionally revealing day, praising Joe Giudice…

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

...while Tre, Melissa, and Joe Gorga made excuses for poor showings.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Of course, there’s always the chance for a twist…

https://twitter.com/Teresa_Giudice/status/374359327332904960

https://twitter.com/Teresa_Giudice/status/374356928060985344

Scandalous! What do we think about this?

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

That evening, the “chuckalina full of sparkles” bikini made its live debut, making “ass man” Juicy Joe very very happy following a tough day of horse love.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Unfortunately, having not ever killed anybody is not really grounds for not going to prison for a while, Joe. Heres to hoping things work out, though! I’m an unashamed Juicy Joe fan.

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

“Kathy, Kathy, Kathy!”

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Teresa was peeved by Kathy’s plea for more attention and gratitude during the Navaho Native American’s “beat your drum like a heart” session. (P.S.- Remember Countess Luann vs. Carole Radziwill's "Native American" or "Indian" debate? RHONY is coming, everybody!)

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Do you think Melissa and Teresa felt better after performing well in an activity that required no real emotional vulnerability?

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Ooh, I see what you did there, Real Housewives of New Jersey!

To close out this Labor Day Weekend Photo Recap (The things I do for you Housewives fans!) of Episode 14 of Season 5, Teresa conducted her own therapy session (Good for her!) with Jacqueline, prompting the two to jot down bad habits they wanted to burn away forever as they head forward in their friendship. I just kept looking at Jacqueline's hair, though. What as that?

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Jacqueline, for example, trashed “disappointing Teresa” while Teresa singed away, what I believe was, “Not asking Jacqueline questions that she likes.” And Just like that, the misunderstanding over “karma hurting my kids” was laid to rest, and the woes of Jacqueline and Teresa were sent out into the abyss of wherever the hell Real Housewives of D.C. ended up.

Meanwhile:

Bravo "Real Housewives of New Jersey"

What did you think of Episode 14 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Do you blame Melissa for not wanting to partake in heavy healing sessions during her birthday trip? Were you impressed with Juicy Joe?

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of Episode 14 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Don’t forget to tweet me your opinions and reactions @JoeTranch!

Bonus!