Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: I'd Jump in Front of a Coyote for You!

Episode 13 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey kicked off Melissa’s birthday weekend from Hell! First, nothing sounds more atrocious than a celebratory vacation chock full of therapy session after therapy session, but throw in a terrible case of the bubonic plague, and Gorga was down for the count. Well, so it seemed… Here is my Photo Recap and Review of Episode 13 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey!

Teresa cooks, ladies and gents! Teresa can make kale on bread like no other! The only man to attend Teresa’s cooking class received the first serving. Afterwards, Kathy and Tre caught up regarding Melissa’s spats with Jan and Penny.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Was anyone else unnerved by the backdrop of about a thousand sharpened knives?

Anyway, let’s lighten the mood!

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Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

That’s the reaction a Jersey Housewife should strive for when selecting a bikini, I'd think! Remember Melissa’s birthday bash, a trip to a “spa” in Arizona,” was on the horizon. I use the term “spa” loosely, of course.

Here’s the deal; a significant portion of Episode 13 was filmed on what looked like a handy cam, by my judgment. I guess the crew had trouble getting footage in the airport and on the plane. What you need to know; Teresa had a scotch before even landing. The Manzos and Lauritas suffered through a delayed flight, and Caroline managed to not murder Jacqueline.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Back at the ranch, literally, Melissa’s case of the black plague continued to ruin her birthday vacation. Of course, would this end up being a blessing in disguise? I know I personally would love to spend my birthday weekend in intensive therapy with people I don’t necessarily care for or speaking with the dead relatives of distant other cousins.

Sorry, Zia Melissa! Everybody else was down for a good time!

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Juicy Joe is bringing it for Season 5. Am I right? Rich Wakile, on the other hand, was the group anointed “debbie downer.”

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Comment on the birthday girl's camel toe and the whole mood shifts, dude!

Rosie, meanwhile, is the only woman I’ve seen on a Housewives series who’s been able to pull off one of those strange “faux chain print” shirts. Watch Rosie take a special photo!

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Robin Thicke feat. Miley Cyrus, Kendrick Lamar & 2 Chainz - Blurred Lines

No, no, no… I kid, I kid! Here’s the real shot:

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So much worse. So much more awkward.

So, let’s cover the psychic healer/ energy fiend who made herself known post-photo shoot. The group gathered, and this woman:

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… did her magic whatnot to middling brouhaha.

That is, until:

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Now, I did appreciate Richie’s father popping in to check on his son and Kathy. Don’t get me wrong. My heart isn’t that black, but I kept thinking of the fact that this was intended to be Melissa’s birthday party! Imagine if this had been your own!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Of course, all was made lighter by Teresa’s pride in the fact that the spirits of dead ancestors returned from the grave to support her in the battle with Melissa.

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Also, dock/ duck/ dog? I heard "dog" too, Juicy!

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*End Scene*

Once more with feeling!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

The next day, a therapeutic hike to a gong banging ceremony was drummed up! No, I’m not making this up. Luckily, Melissa was sick *cough cough* and unable to attend. First, let’s analyze this group as they put up their best "Survivor castaways" interpretation!

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The Immunity Idol goes to Caroline, needless to say, for her “I don’t give a f*ck” blk. hat and all around, well, correct attitude! “What the hell is going on in that desert,” we all wondered during Episode 13.

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Meanwhile, back at the ranch (I’m using it again. I know, I know.):

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Her evil plan paid off after all! Melissa Gorga basks in the quiet glow of the Arizona sun with nothing but a gorgeous gorge to witness her triumph. Happy Birthday, Melissa. Seriously, you dodged a bullet!

Gong Banging Ceremony = "How can we covertly cue Teresa into the fact that we don’t enjoy her?"

As cast member after cast member journeyed up to the sacrificial barbecue, Teresa watched as her loved ones burned her burns.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

In the end, Giudice was caught of guard by an emotional swelling up that led her to create her own makeshift Jersey coven in the Arizona desert.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Support all around! Love, love, love…

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

One last final heart-to-heart with Jacqueline, of course, staged the drama for next week. What did Teresa mean by her comment surrounding karma attacking one's children? (Personally, I don’t think she meant what Jacqueline thought she meant. Teresa has her own crap to sift through, as we’ve all become acutely aware as of late!)

Bonus footage! Thank me later!

What did you think of Episode 13 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of Episode 13 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey!