The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: I'm a Lesbian Trapped in a Man's Body!

Episode 10 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey featured a lot of build up leading to the epic war with words between Teresa and Jacqueline that resulted in absolutely nothing. Well, at least not this week. Meanwhile, Juicy Joe and Chris Laurita smoked cigars, sucked down some cabernet, and made amends. “I don’t even remember. Who gives a sh*t.” I believe those were the pearls of wisdom bestowed upon us by Joe Giudice, and, whatever, they worked! Should we just start Season 6 now? Meanwhile, I was able to cut out about fifteen to twenty minutes worth of boring footage featuring the Manzo boys working. I’ve never known people who live to work yet hate to work. Normally, that kind of people simply work to live. It’s in the Manzo blood everybody! It’s in the Manzo storyline, everybody! Shocking spoiler alert: Lauren Manzo showed up and said nothing. No, now we start Season 6! Here is my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 5 Episode 10, “Best Frenemies Forever”!

Episode 10 opened with Melissa Gorga coyly and playfully attempting to murder her husband using heavy machinery.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Scariest thing I’ve ever seen in m life. Why is he laughing? Doesn’t he know what kind of a show this is? Real Housewives get raises for things like this. They get bigger raises if something “suddenly goes wrong...”

Meanwhile, Milania Giudice has taken it upon herself to revolutionize the Italian American movement.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Teresa laughed it off for the cameras but wept inside.

Zio Joe, that girl Melissa, and the famous Antonia were coming for a visit! Dinner at Giudice manor; an opportunity for Teresa to prove she cooks and for Melissa to twist the chef’s knife. What was the line again? Something about Teresa “being a nice little girl.”

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Sometimes I feel like Melissa should just be allowed to break the fourth wall and talk directly to us because I, personally, can’t take this anymore. Wouldn’t “The audience loves it when I remind them that you behave terribly or have, at least, been edited to look as though you do” have worked better? This is kind of back firing, Melissa.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Also, kudos to production for reminding us that Gia Giudice is merely age 12 while Joe Giudice commented on her sprouting height with a tinge of fear.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Soon enough, Zio Joe… She had to crouch! I’m just saying!

I could have taken screenshots of Chris Manzo manning the construction site for the latest Manzo boys’ project, a full-on restaurant, but I didn’t! We all sat through that footage once. Who’s paying for this new business? Can someone please buy me a restaurant to cover the cost of my own bottled water line?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Meanwhile, Albie Manzo continued to stretch this “I only want to work, but it’s awful, and I hate it” storyline. Luckily for us, Season 5 Christopher Manzo wasn’t having any of it. Chris’ life is basically a shadow of big bro Albie’s, and Chris is doing just fine. So… is Albie fired now?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

New story arc idea!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Caroline later attempted to save Albie’s role on The Real Housewives of New Jersey by shredding rumors of marital distress and sipping a mystery Starbucks beverage. You know it’s bad when I watched an entire scene and dwelled mostly on the yellowish liquid in Caroline’s cup. Green tea? Sweetened or unsweetened? All bets are off!

Let’s talk about Sizzle Tans.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I mean, what is there to say. Teresa’s commercial is, of course, incomparable and should be watched on a loop. Her brother Joe’s billboard photo shoot for the same company *gasp* was sufficiently entertaining. Things were brought up to par when they brought in the Melissa impersonator, and Joe reacted with a simple “She’s not my filet mignon but sometimes you want a hot dog.” Do you think the hot dog felt ashamed putting up with this.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

… after hearing that shouted out loud?  No girl wants to feel like Oscar Mayer.

Guess what, guys. The “Sexy life… Loyal wife… Take a page from my classic novel!” photo shoot happened this week.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

History! History in the making!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Let’s get down to the lesbian business. Kathy, concerned that Rosie hasn’t found that special someone yet, wrangled the Gorga/ Wakile clan to head out to a swanky SoHo lesbian bar. First red flag; SoHo.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Fake bisexuals and lame-o swingers plagued Rosie’s evening of flirtatious fun and her drunken debonair swagger. Was the woman Rosie settled on hitting on actually named Ellen, or was she merely “Ellen”? Like, was it the equivalent of getting hit on at a gay bar and introducing yourself as “Neil Harris… Neil P. Harris.” Not that Rosie isn’t a gem and shouldn’t land any dame she desires, but maybe this “Ellen” woman wasn’t into, I don’t know, having a team of Bravo cameras capturing her own tequila-fueled night on camera for as long as they did? Sign a waiver… sign your life away, “Ellen.”

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

After hearing that pick up line, I’m wondering… Am I lesbian? Richie had the line of the night, for me, with, “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body!” Suddenly, everything makes sense.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

The majority of the episode focused on Jacqueline’s looming meeting of doom with Teresa. Melissa first informed Laurita of Tre’s promise to Caroline.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Both parties involved seemed liked they’d rather share a stale Kathy cannoli with Danielle Staub than face each other, and by that I mean, they obviously couldn’t wait to be featured in an infamous Real Housewives sit-down scene. Do you think they know, at this point, that those sit-downs are the central focus of these episodes? They have to, right?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I will give credit where credit is due. Jacqueline's use of a Muppet-like puppet to pantomime Teresa’s speakerphone-blared conversation was reminiscent of the sentiment of this recap and review. This summarizes my mindset when I write these articles:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

In other words, I see all Real Housewives as Muppets.

Speaking of Muppets...

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Who is this again? Audriana? Gabriela? A random Fraggle? I’m going with my first guess. No, number three! In any case, Milania has some competition!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

No she doesn’t.

So here's what you need to know abut the much-teased sit-down between Teresa and Jacqueline. Nothing was accomplished yet but Teresa pulled some amazing faces and proclaimed Jacqueline to be the embodiment of evil.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

More importantly, was anyone else completely shattered by the fact that this show also teased an epic duke-out between Jacqueline and Tessa, only to come up completely short? Look! I have proof!

Cameo by 90210's David Silver! In all seriousness, who's job is this? Is it that difficult?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I'm embarrassing Chris Laurita by selfishly deciding to falsely label him this week's @TheBravoholic. Writing that makes me feel dumb. Can't they share the Twitter handle in another sentence, you know? That's just bad grammar.  "Mazel to this week's The Bravoholic" doesn't make sense. Sorry, Chris!

Meanwhile, as I previously stated, we shall part ways with some words of wisdom from Juicy Joe.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

"I don't even remember. Who gives a sh*t."

What did you think of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 10, "Best Frenemies Forever"? Feel free to tweet me your responses @JoeTranch!

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 10, "Best Frenemies Forever"!