Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: We've Celebrated Melissa's Birthday for 3 Weeks Now

Episode 15 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey continued, yet again, with Melissa Gorga’s birthday getaway from hell aka somewhere I’ve never heard of called “Arizona.” Though, we actually celebrated the birthday tonight. “It’s called a romper!” Gorga would exclaim at her final 40th birthday dinner before things would spiral out of control, and Rosie would ponder heavily. Here is the Photo Recap and Review of Season 5 Episode 15 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey!

Ooh, this is interesting. Episode 15 started with a flash-forward where we’d witness a huge chunk of the end of the episode before starting where we left off. In other words, I don’t have to recap this! Thanks, Andy Cohen!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

The actual drama began when Teresa walked in on her brother sucking on Melissa’s feet. I’d tell Tre that she knew what she was getting into when she headed into that bedroom, but the camera crew was there. Who sucks feet on camera?

Not that it mattered much. Teresa joined in on the fun, sufficiently turning off Melissa buy gifting her a bejeweled pair of peace panties.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

This is awkward, right?

Meanwhile, this is Caroline relaxing at the spa:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

So much work. So much effort. Therapy gives Caroline Manzo a migraine. I’d tell her to chug a Fabellini and get over it, but that would probably poison her.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

In other news, Rosie, who’s an actual human being, was still reeling from the intensive therapy session that required scraping a magical non-unicorn horse’s sh*t from its hooves last week.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I’m not going to lie to you. I was very concerned when Rosie threw the water bottle violently into the possible rented condo of some rattlesnake or jackrabbit. Littering stresses me out. I’ve never been more pleased with Kannoli Kathy than when she went into the briar patch to clean up the mess.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

As if things couldn’t get any weirder or wilder, I give you… Zennis Tennis! Meaning, the girls played tennis as though they were pros while an instructor reminded them to have no shame? More importantly, I’ve become aware of something so special this week. The Real Housewives of New Jersey and Bravo edits the color scheme of their advertisements around Teresa’s wardrobe!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Making me twice as happy, Teresa revived the super villainess getup from early in the season to do pushups! #Life

Meanwhile…

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

There’s nothing quite like making up with your brother-in-law over a nice glass of green sludge in the middle of the thousand-degree oven of the Arizona desert, is there?

So, sometimes Fear Factor deems stunts too terrifying to debut on their own show, so they ship them off to Bravo. Allegedly…

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

In any case, doubles tight roping seemed like it was set up to promote failure to me. Does anyone feel like they’re loved or trusted after stepping three feet across a wire a million feet off the ground on to nearly instantly fall? Of course, the trailer for this week’s episode made it seem like Melissa and Teresa failed epically, when they actually did pretty damn well. Not according to Caroline, of course.

Then again, who cares about that? Joe Giudice paired up with Rosie, further promoting the need for a spinoff series.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

If that doesn’t work out, I’ll never stop pitching a Real Housewives challenge-type show to Andy Cohen and Bravo. Just tell them it’s for charity, and they’ll have to do it! Housewives live off of publicly supporting charities!

https://twitter.com/JacLaurita/status/376865116568174592

Melissa’s big birthday dinner was on the horizon. My favorite part, of course, was that they attempted to make it seem as though Melissa waited until everyone sat down at the table to start getting ready and doing her makeup.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Makeup mirror faces… This is reality!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Melissa makes her big debut, clad in a spangled romper; however, look who Bravo chose to edit the color scheme around…

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Right?!

"Savvy by Bravo," apparently.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

“Why does Melissa get to blow out the candles and make a wish on her own birthday? Shady and unfair.” Thought everyone at the table.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Sensing that the producers would favor Tre during Episode 15, Melissa repeated Teresa’s “toast to everyone but you” moment from last season, leaving her sister-in-law in the dust.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Okay, that last shot of Melissa was actually her reaction to the alleged shape of Grandpa Giudice's member, but I digress.

Progress? Not according to Caroline.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I loved how the show played suspenseful music over Kathy’s eating of a knockoff brand cheese doodle as Caroline explained that the entire group needed to be honest with their feelings.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Rosie, obviously, called bull with a mere glare.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

https://twitter.com/JacLaurita/status/376871184920756224

Basically, here’s the drama breakdown if you missed Season 5 Episode 15. That Jersey she-beast Penny has been continuously harassing Melissa via Twitter, incessantly bringing up cheating rumors. Teresa, choosing to stay out of it, was accused of stirring the drama up in the first place by telling secrets and egging strangers on. In all honesty, I don’t understand why Teresa would ever feel the need to spread family secrets to a nasty woman who’s a total stranger. I just don’t buy it. Last season she was accused of being an attention monger, now she's doling it out to wannabes?

I’ll tell you what this is. This is a case of ancillary Jersey personalities looking to become a part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and none of these people can say that on camera. I would bet that these women go to Teresa assuming she’d bask in the warmth of heinous insults about Melissa and her brother. Teresa might not readily defend her kin, but she has no reason to drag strangers into this mess.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

My favorite part of the argument was, of course, a drunken Juicy Joe, teeth stained with red wine, coming to his wife’s defense before offering his support to the Gorgas.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Side Bar: Can we talk about the weekly scene I’ve come to recognize as “that stupid thing.” I know, I have a way with words, but seriously, towards the end of every single episode, we sit through a commercial break, get literally fifteen seconds of Joe Giudice cracking jokes or singing “On Display,” then sit through another long commercial break. We get it. There’s a show called Below Deck.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

In the end, regardless of whether she’s guilty or not, Teresa agreed to back her bro in his future takedown of Penny.

What did you think of Season 5 Episode 15 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Is Teresa guilty or innocent of what she’s being accused of? Do we need more silliness so Joe (This Joe, the recap writer) gets funnier screenshots? Tweet me your reactions, @JoeTranch!

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of Season 5 Episode 15 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey!

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