Real Housewives of New Jersey - Photo Recap: Carmen Sandiego FOUND in NJ Supermarket

Episode 12 of Season 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey mostly centered on Melissa's squashing of the radioactive ants that had swarmed her Seaside picnic ever since she joined the cast of Bravo’s hit show. You know it’s bad when you’re former bridesmaid shows up at an event mostly to destroy your life and marriage. Of course these fools would armor themselves against us viewers with the classic, “I'd never want to break up a marriage!" Right, unless you’re offered a starring role on a booming reality show. With a whopper of an opportunity like that on the line, they’d send Gorga straight to the guillotine. In other news, Lauren Manzo said all the wrong things, but what else is new. I sure cringed a lot. Here is my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 5 Episode 11!

Where is the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

She’s hocking cannolis at a New Jersey supermarket! Apparently, Carmen secretly eloped with Jeff Goldblum, who’s absolutely terrible when it comes to selling products.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Seriously, taking Richie Wakile to a business meeting is like taking your grandpa to a frat party.

Later that evening, it was time for a boys’ night out!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Why can’t the ball-busting bartender join the cast as another ancillary “Friend of the Housewives”?

Meanwhile, Caroline continued to decorate her new tiny shack a.k.a. a big beautiful apartment in Hoboken that *gasp* lacked the three man-caves of Manzo Manor back in Franklin Lakes.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I mean, who has to tilt their neck in order to see their massive flat screen TV nowadays? Not me, that's for sure… (There aren't enough "…" in the world.)

In other news, Albie found evidence of an affair with Richie Wakile.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Seriously, though, wouldn’t that be a great storyline? We haven’t had a true inter-Housewives affair yet.

Joe Gorga had been planning a birthday getaway for his wifey, Melissa.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Unfortunately, Melissa’s reaction to a couples’ retreat in Arizona (with Teresa) as opposed to a wild tour of Vegas was not a positive one.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Somewhere else in the Garden State, Lauren Manzo continued her quest to not be “fat and bored” (Totally her words, not mine.) by ordering a grilled chicken salad.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

The ultimate boner-killer is most definitely hearing the love of your life refer to you as her second priority following just behind work. Considering the fact that this is a woman of Manzo blood, that had to be a devastating blow to poor Vito.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

You know these Manzos; work is everything and it ruins their lives. What fun! I… well,  I just don’t get it at all. It’s so tough to have your parents buy you an entire business (or two, or ten), only to have to keep up the façade of earning it yourself!

Jacqueline arrived at the Gorga birthday planning event just in time to make believe the scars of her surgery were caused due to asphyxiation.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Pause! Who cares about that? Look at this:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

If that wasn’t your favorite moment of Episode 12, you might as well close this page now. Joe Giudice in a giant fur coat, everybody. Joe Giudice in a gaint fur coat. Funny enough, Joe Giudice in a giant fur coat casually suggested Vegas for Melissa’s birthday trip!

The next day:

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

"Happy wife, sexy life, take a page from my… !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

If that had hit her face, Joe, she’d be mad, Joe. After nearly having her face dip slightly below the average 98 degrees, Melissa was caught off-guard by a friendly invitation to Teresa’s Milania Haircare product launch. In other words, the looming meeting with the heinous Pam and Penny (who?) was on the horizon. More to come surrounding Melissa’s attempts at dodging infection due to contamination by toxic salon owners.

By the way, Kathy and Caroline bonded over having slightly overbearing old school husbands who trivialize their careers.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Kathy's hair looks so much more "Jersey" when captured via screenshot!

Inspired by Caroline’s “Tell Richie to shut up. You and your hat, shut up.” mentality, Kathy did confront Richie regarding his tendency to make an absolute mockery of her dessert business in front of clients.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Kathy has brilliant cream-filled ideas, Richie loves her big eyes, and nice was made! Kathy and Richie settled the “test kitchen” dispute.

Prep for the Milania Haircare line launch had begun!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Kim D., Teresa and Melissa are all good now!

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Fix that situation and fast. We don’t want this show to get boring, Kim. With mere hours to go prior to the confrontations, Kim had plenty of time to stir pots, throw under busses, etc.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Let’s break it down. Bravo approaches these women with tiny contracts consisting of thousands of pages of releases and a mere shred of hope that they could, in theory, rise to fame a la Brandi Glanville from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

The argument between Melissa and Jan had some history behind it, so I’ll say that Jan had some weight to her claims; however, being, generally speaking, absolutely awful didn’t help her cause.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I personally don’t see any reason why Melissa would cheat on her rich, handsome, adoring husband, but this was kind of fun to watch. Of course, it was all about Teresa’s reactions.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

This is Penny, the woman who owns the salon where the infamous fashion show take-down was planned.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Penny, contrary to Jan, has absolutely no history with Melissa, save for the fact that she knows of her.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Hence the "I can't even be bothered to fully open my eyes for you, Penny" reaction shot.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

She only threw barbs because she was asked, Melissa. She only spewed out horrible accusations that you cheat left and right because she was asked. She was asked by someone. She'd never want to ruin your marriage! "Never" meaning "duh."

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I love how Teresa was very concerned with making sure the world was aware of her non-friendship with Penny. At first, I’m going to go ahead and say that Teresa was looking to clear her name. By the time Penny had revealed that her entire argument was based on fluff, I’m pretty sure Teresa was just looking to make sure no one would ever associate her with this woman again.

Bravo "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

By the way, let me explain what is really going on here. These women are running their mouths because they want to be on this show, plain and simple. They can’t say that while filming the show, but they’re desperate to be Real Housewives. I mean, what else do they have going on. Of course they’re going to do everything they can to ruin the Gorga marriage! There’s the possibility of a lame-o cocktail, a poorly recorded “single,” or cheap dress line waiting in the wings, people! The American dream! Reality television!

Extra Credit:

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Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 Episode 12!