The Bachelorette - Recap: Don't Blame Iowa

Recap and review of The Bachelorette - Season 10 Episode 9:

As we near the end of the interminable journey known as The Bachelorette for yet another season, we still have to tackle the continually disappointing business known as Fantasy Suites. It's an institution that seems to promise big happenings, and sometimes these dates deliver. Hell, Andi earned her spot as The Bachelorette from her blow-up with Juan Pablo on The Bachelor last season, and I'll eat my hat if Chris hasn't just become the new Bachelor from what happened here tonight. But, for the most part, we can't really get much of consequence from the Fantasy Suites, since the very mechanic of the Fantasy Suites means no cameras are allowed once those doors close. So anything interesting that's going to happen either needs to happen before the Fantasy Suite doors close, or we have to hear about it after the fact the next day. Of course, this isn't to say that nothing interesting happens during Fantasy Suites, but rather that these episodes tend to be one hour and 50 minutes of filler, and about ten minutes of genuine interest.

Credit: ABC

But those ten minutes were damn good, and went a long way towards reminding me why this show is so damn addictive, even at its cheesiest. This was a pretty heartbreaking episode for one guy, and a confusing one for me. I honestly have no idea whom Andi will choose in two weeks. It could seriously be either one of Josh or Nick, since she's seemingly divided her affections so evenly between them (although, come on, it's gonna be Josh, right?).

However, before we can begin speculating about the finale, we have to tackle the highs and lows of an eventful episode (well, eventful at the last minute, anyhow):

Credit: ABC

NICK AT NITE

After a seemingly interminably ten-minute segment in which Andi literally recaps, one-by-one, how each of the final three men got here, we kick things off with the first of the three dates, as we're in the Dominican Republic now.

So the entire thesis of Nick's date is that he wants to tell Andi he loves her, yet he keeps finding new ways to get around having to actually say those three magic words, hoping she'll instead pick it up through his actions. As he explains, he's wanted to tell Andi he loves her since back in Belgium but didn't feel it was the right time. Yet now he feels it is, although why now and not then, he doesn't really say. So they go to a secluded island off the coast of the Dominican Republic, an idyllic place with clear blue water, white sands, and complete privacy. Because this is Andi we're talking about here, it doesn't take her long to start ogling Nick's body, inferring that he's stealthily hot, and that his passion makes him all the hotter. She calls their pairing an "adult relationship," which I guess isn't entirely false, although it makes me wonder if she sees her relationships with the other two guys as something less than an adult relationship.

On the beach, Andi questions Nick about his difficult past relationships, noting that his family is worried about him getting his heart broken. Nick explains that he had a bad breakup in his early 20s and, as a result, hardly spoke to anyone for six months, which is a bit much even by early 20s standards. However, he hardly gets to fully explain his depression before Andi butts in to question him about his engagement. Turns out he hid his past engagement out of embarrassment over his fiance breaking it off. In short, his ego was bruised, so he's nervous about telling Andi he loves her because he's afraid of getting hurt. But he plans to tell her he loves her before Fantasy Suites, which means their bonfire dinner will be his last chance.

At the story, he illustrates his "childlike sense of wonder" (which seems like a strange quality to attribute to yourself. Seems more like something someone else should attribute to you), by whipping out a storybook he wrote for her. It's a fairy tale that depicts Andi as being a princess from "the Kingdom of Atlanta," as she embarks on a magical quest to find the man of her dreams. A fairly corny montage of past moments accompanies Nick's narration, as if we haven't already watched the last eight episodes. In an amusing moment, Nick claims that "an evil spell" made him act like a big baby in France, a clever way of excusing his own childish behavior. If nothing else, it's a cute gesture that wins Andi over in a huge way, especially with Nick's decision to leave the final pages blank, as if to suggest, "Well, the ball's in your court now." Nick hopes that Andi recognizes that the book means he loves her, but he still needs to say it, since he's seemingly going out of his way to find a way to convey his feelings without actually having to give voice to them.

Finally, before retiring to the Fantasy Suite, Nick takes Andi aside and tells her he loves various things about her before -- at long last -- straight up telling her that he loves her. They have a fairly passionate makeout session, after which Andi says, "You really are it for me. I love hearing that," which is the closest I think we've come to a declaration of love from a Bachelorette before the finale, if I'm not mistaken (although please correct me if I'm wrong). Generally, the Bachelor/Bachelorette of a given season is discouraged from making any declarations of love prior to the Final Rose Ceremony out of concern that it would somehow spoil the season, although it's not as if people haven't changed their minds before. Hell, it's not even like it's impossible to be in love with two people at the same time, so I don't see what the problem is unless he/she is telling one suitor "I love you," but nobody else. Either way, Nick's date was sweet at least, although a bit on the dull side. I'm sure it was great to live, but less so to watch.

Credit: ABC

OH MY JOSH

Josh and Andi's date is far less ostentatious, but feels way more natural and germane to who they are. Josh, who speaks fluent Spanish, buys an aphrodisiac off of a local man, and generally takes charge of the date (which Andi, of course, finds insanely hot).

Andi takes Josh to watch a little league game in the neighborhood, because this is the Dominican Republic, so of course baseball is happening. They end up playing little league with the kids, and Josh appreciates that Andi has such fun doing what he wants to do, and that she pays attention to his likes. For her part, Andi likes that Josh is good with kids, and it increases her view of him as a potential father. Josh, who seems ready for the whole fatherhood thing, says he's waited 29 years to have these feelings for someone, admitting that he's never told a girl "I love you" and meant it before. He reiterates his feelings for Andi by telling her he loves her. "You need to know that. I know you can't say anything ... but I need to let you know." Is this the first instance where it's acknowledged that a Bachelor/Bachelorette isn't allowed to say "I love you" before the Final Rose Ceremony for fear of spoiling the outcome of the season? I don't if it's been made overt before. Naturally, I don't think the show would publicize it within the series itself, but it just seems strange that Josh seems to know his feelings can't be 100% reciprocated due to the format of the show. Then again, I wonder how much of it is Josh taking the possibility of rejection off the table by not pressing Andi to return his feelings right away. It's hard to tell, but I believe Josh is genuine in everything he says. He just strikes me as a really earnest guy.

At dinner, Josh recalls worrying that Andi thought he was cocky on that first night, but she admits that he's too goofy to be cocky. He goes on to talk about how important family is to him, and that he only says "I love you" to someone he plans on marrying. Andi notes that she might not have it in her to be a disciplinarian as a mother, since she's a giant softie at heart, but she seems open to the future Josh is supposing for them. After Josh tells Andi he loves her, she tries to warn him that she can be difficult, but he jokes she's been difficult already, and notes that they've been through the ringer together, which will make them stronger. But then Andi's doubts about Josh flare up again for no apparent reason: she says she doesn't know if Josh is legitimately happy all the time or if it's just a facade. Naturally, he takes offense, because she can't seem to just enjoy any moment with him without questioning his motives. Josh keeps it together by telling her not to paint him with the same brush as everyone else. He says he's happy because he loves life, and he's happier when he's around her, which is pretty much what Andi wanted to hear, even though he's told her variations on the same thing I-don't-know-how-many-times. Andi claims she now knows that Josh loves her, although I kind of wish Josh would just cut bait, because her constant doubts are getting exhausting.

Credit: ABC

I SHOULD PROBABLY GO

This was a date headed for disaster pretty much from the word "go".

We learn right away that Chris is the one Andi isn't sure about, since she doesn't know if she's comfortable enough in their relationship to spend the night with him in the Fantasy Suite like she did with Josh and Nick, which makes this seem even more like a season in which only two guys were ever in the running, with dudes just advancing by default from one week to the next.

Their date is pretty much Iowa redux, as they have a picnic and Chris tries to teach Andi how to ride a horse, although not necessarily in that order. Andi is terrified at having a 3,000 pound animal underneath her, and is on the brink of a panic attack at all times, although she loves that Chris is with her every step of the way, trying to help her get over her random fear of being on a horse. Andi is enchanted by the scenery, such as all the hills, mountains, and greenery that don't really translate on TV all that well, honestly. But I'm sure it's absolutely stunning in person.

During their picnic, Andi gets to speak with Chris a bit more, and it already seems like she's laying the foundation to friendzone him later. She says that his family is the best family she's ever met, which is spoken with such an "aww shucks"/consolatory inflection that I found myself surprised she wasn't prepping to send him home right then and there. But she humors him a bit longer as Chris talks about how he explained to his family that he's falling in love with Andi. His family apparently told him that they support his decision no matter what, because they probably are the best family in the history of ever. Andi and Chris then play hide-and-seek, continuing that family's inexplicable obsession with the game. Chris asks her how she feels about moving to Iowa, and Andi admits that while she had so much fun being on the farm and being around his family...

Well, she doesn't really give him an answer, saying instead that it's hard to know if she's ready for that life yet, although all I could think was, "You know good and damn well that life ain't for you! Quit stringing the poor guy along!" But we still had an hour of show to fill, so we got more of their conversation at dinner that night, with Chris saying that if two people love each other, they can make it work no matter what. He says that there are opportunities for intelligent lawyers in Iowa, and he's ready to make compromises for Andi. But she notes that certain aspects are part of who Chris is, and those shouldn't be negotiable for him. Basically, he shouldn't have to compromise for her. Yet even with that, Andi doesn't know if she wants to give Chris the key to the Fantasy Suite.

Chris admits to Andi that he's not just falling in love with her, he already is in love with her -- and this is the point where Andi breaks down. It's Cody's elimination all over again, as Andi reveals she's not feeling the same things Chris is feeling. She admits that it would be a copout for her to blame it all on Iowa. but the truth of the matter is that she just doesn't see a foundation there with Chris. And so we have another classic Andi Dorfman self-triggered meltdown, as Andi tearfully apologizes to Chris for not seeing him as the one, while also stating that she respects him too much to make him wait for a Rose Ceremony, despite dragging him all the way out here to the Final 3. In a weird moment, Andi says she wishes Juan Pablo had done the same thing for her during her season, yet I remember Andi pretty much doing it to herself by lacing into Juan Pablo and pretty much bailing on the show altogether. It's all incredibly strange, but Chris takes it like a gentleman. "I appreciate and respect you for that. I'm incredibly disappointed, but I get it." (So...yeah, if Chris wasn't the next Bachelor before, he absolutely is now.)

Andi says she feels like an idiot, and admits that her head and her heart just don't match up, but Chris continues to be a gentleman by insisting she shouldn't ever feel like an idiot for saying what she feels. He kisses her hand and then...well, that's pretty much it.

"I should probably go."
"I'll walk you out." (Yes, let's extend the awkwardness of all this)

At the car, Chris tells her not to apologize. He tells her she's an amazing woman, even though she insists she isn't. Chris tells her not to blame herself, saying that if her feelings aren't for him, he wants to go home. Andi says she's the lucky one for having him here, although that's cold comfort to the poor guy right now. On the way home, he says he wasn't expecting this, and says she was "pretty damn close to being it."

CHRIS is eliminated from THE BACHELORETTE!

"I just had my heart broken. I put everything out there," he says before breaking down into tears. It's absolutely devastating, and I didn't know I'd like Chris this much at any point before tonight. It was such a departure from my expectations of how I'd feel that I was pretty much done with this episode after, even though twenty minutes still remained for a perfunctory Rose Ceremony in which Andi offered Nick and Josh roses just to double-check that they're into her. I mean, I appreciate Andi acknowledging that the journey is a two-way street, and that her deciding they're the final two doesn't necessarily mean they want to be the final two, but I don't know that we actually needed the Rose Ceremony this week.

All in all, I have no idea which guy Andi picks in the end, but I'm 90% certain Chris is becoming the next Bachelor after this. Especially if the trending #ChrisForBachelor hashtag after this episode is any indication.

What did you think of the episode? Should Chris be the next Bachelor? Sound off in the comments!