The Bachelorette - Recap: Kiss From A Rose

Alright, it's time to dig back into The Bachelorette after last week's solid season premiere. We're down to still-too-many guys, which means we have a lot of culling to do before the night is over. But, thankfully, some of the guys do the work of eliminating themselves altogether through stupid behavior. Because ten seasons of The Bachelorette and EIGHTEEN SEASONS of The Bachelor have done little to illustrate to people that it really isn't the best idea in the world to get blasted while on the show. Sloppy Drunk just isn't a good look on anyone, and if there's a central thesis to this episode, it's that.

Well, that and the simple fact that this may be the saddest season of The Bachelorette on record. Yes, the late Eric Hill gets the first date of the season, because all those ads for The Fault In Our Stars weren't enough for us to have all our feels compromised on a solemn national holiday. That said, this was a mostly good episode for what's shaping up to be a mostly good season. Let's get to the recap, which will hit on the five biggest highlights of the episode, in chronological order...

Credit: ABC/Rick Rowell

LIVE LIKE ERIC

So Eric gets the first one-on-one date of the season, and I'm not sure if this episode was already in the editing room when Eric Hill tragically passed away, or if Eric just had a knack for speaking almost exclusively in phrases that would become heartbreakingly poignant in retrospect, but this was a rough sit. For one, Eric illustrates what a great guy he is without really going out of his way to do so. At the risk of canonizing the guy (and steaming off Jason Biggs, who inexplicably finds it kosher to joke about the man's death), he seems utterly devoid of extraneous flaws, while also being depicted as someone possessed of a huge heart that's ready to love you, honey. In short, Eric is just great all-around, yet the editors seem to be challenging viewers in their collective hesitance to get attached by finding all the footage that has Eric speaking about the wondrous future he has in store, one that might include Andi. Due to the heartbreak of what happens to him mere weeks after this was filmed, the resistance towards getting attached to Eric is understandable, but difficult all the same, because Eric makes liking him so damn easy.

Anyhow, Andi and Eric go to the beach, and build a sandcastle that has Eric proudly proclaiming that he and Andi have built their "first home" (OH MY GOD, STOP, I CAN'T). They then leave the beach and head up to a snowy mountaintop where snowboarder Louie Vito, who shows up for two minutes and is then never seen or heard from again, is waiting to show them the basics. Of course, because he's a man for all seasons, Eric already knows how to snowboard, prompting Andi to remark that there isn't really anything he's bad at -- and also that he's incredibly hot. But we get scenes that suggest there's much more to Eric than good looks and an adventurous spirit. He recounts having driven a motorcycle halfway across Africa, and later talks about his time trapped in a warzone in Syria, being ushered across the carnage by a rebel fighter (a "fixer"). The city they were in got shelled, and he even wrote out a text to his parents saying goodbye, assuming that this was the end. And it seemed that way after a hostile leader took his group aside and demanded to know what they were up to, to which Eric responded that no matter what happens to the Syrians, no one can take away their happiness (or something to that effect. Honestly, it sounded like "no one can take away their happy," which just sounds like a weird-ass sentence in any context). The leader allowed the group to go by telling them to "Go back to Turkey." And thus, Eric and his group made it out alive.

However, none of this is as deeply upsetting as what comes next, as Eric talks about having a family and says it's his goal. "I want kids," he tells Andi, who seems completely open to making babies in this moment. As Eric explains, in the past two years, he's only just come around on the idea of marriage after seeing people he knew and loved get married without anything having changed. Andi gives him a rose at the end of the date, and while there's no kiss (for reasons that are probably modesty-related, but no less confounding), Eric declares that this could be the beginning of love. Sigh.

Okay, so is there any way on EARTH that Eric isn't the next Bachelor if he doesn't die? I mean, I don't know how long he lasts this season (and I'm kind of interested to see what could POSSIBLY go wrong that could lead to him getting eliminated), but he just seems like a classic choice for what ABC looks for in a Bachelor. And he probably would have given us a great season, too. It's such a shame, what happened to him. By all accounts, he was a tremendous man, and this episode did nothing to disabuse me of that notion.

(For what it's worth, I currently have Nick V. in my predictions pool to be the next Bachelor. No idea why, just a hunch)

Credit: ABC

MAGIC MARCUS

The group date this week is a charity chippendales dance, in which Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., and Dylan will be stripping for the Bachelor Gives Back charity organization. It's every bit as strange and surreal as the "We're Dressing Up Beautiful Women Like Dogs" charity photoshoot on Juan Pablo's season, except this one has a human, and not a dog, showing off his butthole.

In short, everybody learns how to dance, and everyone is assigned a costume: Nick S. is a "Sexy Fat Robot," Marcus is an Aviator, and everyone else is split up into different groups, such as cowboys, firefighters, and soldiers. Of course, Carl is an actual firefighter, and anticipates he's going to catch all sorts of fresh hell over this once he gets back home. And, to make matters worse, Marcus is suddenly having grave concerns about doing a solo routine, despite pretty much having Andi's hormones in his back pocket (I feel like 80% of this date was Andi talking about how outrageously hot she thinks Marcus is).

The segment is immediately enhanced by the presence of Sharleen and Kelly from Juan Pablo's season, who sit in on the entire, awkward spectacle. Sharleen remains absolutely breathtaking, and I would imagine she'd have won last season if she'd stuck around, even while continuing to giving off "I don't really wanna be here" vibes. And I wouldn't have blamed Juan Pablo one bit for picking her anyway. So, long story short, Andi is impressed by Marquel's bod, horrified by Nick S. deciding to bend over and expose his butthole, and suitably turned on by Marcus and his routine, as he's able to get over his jitters as soon as he spots Andi from the stage.

While relaxing with cocktails during the second part of the date, Brian steals Andi away from the other guys for some one-on-one time, immediately impressing Andi, who loves his sudden go-getter attitude, and the passion he shows for his teaching career. From here, we get a bunch of little courtship moments, such as Josh M. claiming he's a shy guy who doesn't want to be stereotyped as an athlete, while Andi insists he's a confident guy who's just hiding his true nature. Bradley sings for her and sounds quite nice, Marquel continues to charm, and...Craig immediately makes things awkward.

Credit: ABC

CRINGEWORTHY CRAIG

Even if I hadn't been getting a slightly closeted vibe off of the guy, this entire segment with Craig would have been enough to prompt suspicions about his true motives. In short, he seems far more interested in getting plastered and hanging with the guys than talking to Andi. And when he finally does talk to Andi, she's far more patient with his slurring behavior than just about any reasonable person would have been in the same situation. After offering to answer any question he has about her, Craig drunkenly asks, "What's -- your worst thing about your parents?"

Andi tries to give Craig a little leeway because he's been so nice to her, but after their little talk is over, Craig proceeds to get even more drunk, resulting in a lot of yelling and shouting that distracts and worries Andi. And things get dark pretty quickly: one moment, Craig is dragging another bachelor into the pool with him; the next, he's shoving Bradley into the stove, and prompting the producers to come in and take him back home. It's a full court mess, and Andi rightfully wonders, in a confessional, if some of these guys even realize that they're supposed to be on a date right now. I mean, yeah, Craig talks about how Andi is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, but none of his actions really bear that out. I just don't see how you sign up for this opportunity to date this outrageously good-looking, intelligent, down-to-Earth girl, and then decide, after improbably getting cast, you're going to just drink yourself into a stupor and throwaway your chance.

Craig tries to apologize the next night, and even sings her a song on his guitar (his playing is decent. His singing? Not so much). But it's too little, too late. The damage has already been done, and I'm kind of surprised she didn't just give him his walking papers the night before.

Credit: ABC

"IF THAT'S WHAT FARMERS LOOK LIKE..."

JJ, Andrew, Chris, and Nick V. nervously wait to hear if they'll get the next one-on-one, and when the envelope arrives, the other three have to feign happiness for Iowa farmer Chris, who will be going to the Santa Anita Park race track to watch all the pretty horses run in circles for money. For her part, Andi is jaw-droppingly stunning in an emerald green dress that recalls a more modest version of "the dress" Keira Knightley wore in Atonement. But then Chris rolls up, and he cuts a surprisingly dapper figure.

"I'm definitely a city girl, but if that's what farmers look like then I need to move to the country," Andi says, in a confessional.

The race track itself is gorgeous, although Andi's egregious overuse of the word "stooooop" is decidedly less so. I swear, if we were to make a drinking game out of all the times Andi used the words "stop" and "ya'll" this episode, we'd have unlocked Stage Liver Failure by 9:24. Chris and Andi then chat with an old couple that's been together for 55 years, or at least that's the story central casting is having them spin. ("How long have you been together?" this totally authentic old couple decides to ask of the two young'uns with cameras swarming around them.) If nothing else, it's a cute segment, if somewhat unbelievable (not saying that something like this couldn't happen, but man ALIVE did this chit-chat sound overly scripted). Much more effective is the segment that comes afterwards, as we get to learn more about Chris, who met a girl his junior year of college and went on to propose after a few years. However, as he explains, it didn't feel right in his gut, so he broke off the engagement. "I want to be excited about spending the rest of my life with someone, and it's hard to find," Chris tells Andi, in what's basically a truism when it comes to contestants on one of The Bachelor series.

Later on, Andi and Chris are serenaded by The Wild Life (yeah, I dunno either), and share the first kiss of the season. However, no tongue likely means a seventh place finish at best. Especially since she was far more into the kiss she received later...

Credit: ABC/Todd Wawrychuk

KISS FROM A ROSE

After getting back from the date, we get Andi having some more alone time with some of the guys. Nick V. and Marquel continue to make their marks (Marquel would make a great Bachelor too, honestly. Hey, have we had a Bachelor of color yet? I guess Juan Pablo kind of counts, but he's also kind of awful, so I'm choosing to just remember the girls and not the guy whose presence provided the context for us meeting them in the first place).

We also get a brief segment in which Andi breaks plates with (I believe?) Tasos, although it's a clip that only lasted a fraction of a second, and is not explained or elaborated upon in any subsequent scene. Seriously, The Bachelorette! Show us that kind of stuff! It's ridiculous, yeah, but it feels a bit realer than some of the other stuff you choose to leave in. And a little verisimilitude can only help your show, especially when things are only about to get crazier from here.

Case in point, we get our second kiss of the season, and this time, it's a much realer kiss: Josh M. and Andi have this flirty conversation in which Josh talks about how Andi is the only girl to really give him butterflies in some time (I also think I heard him admit he hasn't been with anyone in five years, which I just refuse to believe on any grounds). Andi even makes him blush as their faces inch incrementally closer throughout this little back-and-forth, until they're suddenly making out. Things don't exactly get hot and heavy or anything, but it's the kiss of a woman who actually feels passion for the man she's kissing, other than an abiding fondness. Of course, this isn't to say that she might not grow to really care about Chris. Hell, he seems like a great guy. But she seems to be all about Josh M., Marcus, Eric and (to a lesser, although not insignificant, extent) Nick V. Anyone could sneak in, but I'm not sure I expect there to be a different final four. I'd love to be surprised though. As long as that surprise doesn't involve, say, Cody.

Ultimately, the makeout session makes things a lot easier for Andi at the Rose Ceremony, as the kiss is basically an unofficial rose for Josh M., so he's basically safe along with the three guys who already received roses: Eric, Chris, and Marcus, who received the group date rose for his Aviator jiggling.

Credit: ABC

And so we get to the roses, in order...

Ron (Who?)
Dylan (No, seriously, who?)
JJ
Marquel
Andrew (Might as well just rename these early eliminations The Who? Ceremony)
Tasos
Josh
Cody
Nick V.
Patrick
Brian
Brett
Bradley

CARL, NICK S., and CRAIG are eliminated from THE BACHELORETTE!

Carl -- now sporting glasses, for whatever reason -- is devastated, but refuses to give up his search for love. Ditto Nick S., who really thought he and Andi could have had something. Craig, meanwhile, is utterly gutshot, even after Andi whispers to him (on his final hug), that he's an amazing man. Probably because Andi also added, "But I just couldn't get past it," presumably in reference to his drunken outburst. If nothing else, Craig is understanding, and notes that his drinking will be a mistake that will haunt him for the rest of his life, since he'll never know how far he could have gone had he stayed sober. With all due respect, I'm guessing not very.

So what did you think of tonight's episode? Did the right guys go home? Did Andi make any mistakes? Did any of the guys? Who are your favorites? Sound off in the comments!