The Bachelorette 2014 Season 10 Premiere - Recap: Ees Okay, Andi

Full disclosure: This is the first time I've watched The Bachelorette.

Well, okay, that's a lie. I watched the first season out of a hopeless desire to find common ground with a girl I was into. In furtherance of this mission, I also watched a season of The Bachelor. You know, for a wider variety of discussion topics, since I had no idea how to talk to another human being with different "parts" than mine, and needed the conjoining influence of television to make it somewhat possible.

But here's the thing: even though I quit after that season, I could understand why the show was popular. At a very primordial level, the show speaks to the instinctual, human need to find someone with whom you can share your life. In a sense, it's a show with a premise to which everyone can relate. Well, unless you're just nihilist who hates other people and doesn't understand why anyone would ever want to be with another person ever. And if so, hey, more power to you. But then, I imagine the show doesn't really concern itself with luring those people to their TV sets. After all, this Season 10 premiere doesn't exactly reinvent the wheel. If you've ever seen/enjoyed a series from The Bachelor franchise, this was more of the same that you've seen/enjoyed, and it promises more of the same to come. And whaddya know? That might not exactly be a bad thing.

Instead of doing a straight recap for these, I'll be breaking down each episode in a sort of list form, hitting the high points and giving you the quick-and-dirty on each episode while mixing in my own opinions and analysis, if it can be said that The Bachelorette is something that can be analyzed at all. Let's get this show on the road and see:

Credit: ABC

MEETING ANDI...AGAIN

I'll say this. As a straight guy tasked with reviewing The Bachelorette, the casting department made this a whole lot easier. Andi Dorfman is stunning, and I don't exactly blame any of the guys for being intimidated, given her background as an assistant district attorney. And, if I'm not mistaken (which I very well might be), she's the only Bachelorette in the history of this show not to have been sent home by The Bachelor of the season from which she originated, as Andi was the one who kicked Juan Pablo to the curb, not the other way around. And while she rationalized her decision by claiming Juan Pablo was dreadfully self-absorbed, it ultimately boiled down to syntax: basically, she hated how he said "It's okay" all the time (which spawned an "Ees okay" meme that capitalized on Juan Pablo's accent, and what was perceived as his aloof insincerity).

In short, Andi isn't exactly someone who appears to be in the mood to tolerate a whole lot. She's a woman who has it all together -- except for the whole "love and romance" thing -- and that makes her as formidable as she is alluring. But then you remember she's 26, and there's a certain youthful naivete that goes along with being beautiful, successful, and in your mid-20s. She has a dreamer's heart, and it kind of shows. A dramatization of the first five minutes of the premiere:

"I'm ready for love! I can't believe I'm The Bachelorette. I could meet the love of my life! My life is about to change forever! I'm ready for love, but seriously guys, I can't believe I'm The Bachelorette! I could meet the love of my life and everything could change forever! his is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I'm ready! I'm ready for love and I'm ready to be The Bachelorette! Can you believe it? I'm about to meet 25 guys, and it's not even the Royal Rumble or the Shriners Parade! I'M READY FOR LOVE, YOU GUYS. LET ME BE READY FOR LOVE!"

Okay, it wasn't exactly that repetitive, but I imagine it was pretty close, as the episode found 49 different ways to have her talk about how floored she was to be The Bachelorette, and how huge this is, and how she's ready for love, and etc. Granted, this is more a beef with the editors than with Andi, since I'm not sure the episode needed all this. We're already with her! We're every bit as ready for this as she is! We watch her hang out and try on dresses with her sister, and it's easy to get caught up in the moment, in the anticipation, in the idea that this girl who was just one of 25 last season is suddenly the one holding her own private Hunger Games. So let us start the journey, editors! This isn't The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, where we need to spend two hours building up a massive climax. The fun isn't in the buildup, it's in the event itself. Case in point...

Haters gonna hate (Credit: ABC)

THE GUYS: OR, HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB

As we meet the guys, we come to learn one very important thing about Andi: she's a hugger. It's kind of adorable how enthusiastic she gets about this sort of thing. She's like a guy in a Free Hugs shirt who isn't doing it to rub up on women, but because he genuinely believes in spreading the cheer of a good hug to any and all passersby. Of course, it's different with Andi, in that 1) she's not a guy, 2) she's preposterously good looking, and 3) everyone is more than happy to hug back.

Hugging analysis aside, let's get to the guys...

(In order of arrival)

Marcus, 25: Andi immediately declares Marcus "hot" the minute he walks away, which is not something you'd think to hear about a sports medicine manager, yet here we are. And I suppose, from an objective point of view, she's not wrong. At least in the sense that Marcus looks like he should probably be famous for something.

Chris, 32: Because looks can be deceiving, Chris is a farmer from Iowa, which I wouldn't have guessed since he kind of looks like the DJ at my local club.

JJ, 30: JJ is a "Pantsapreneur," a portmanteau of "pants" and "entrepreneur", two words that both look and sound better side-by-side than as a random, jumbled mononym. Seriously, just say you make pants, dude.

Marquel, 26: Marquel is suave as hell, which I didn't intend to rhyme, but whatever, it's the truth. He lets Andi know he's here to compliment her.

Tasos, 30: He's not a tea. As it turns out, he's a wedding event coordinator, which is some crazy in-show synergy. Maybe he can spin off his appearance here into a show on Oxygen. He impresses Andi right off the bat by recreating a visit to Lovers' Bridge in Paris using their sparse mansion surroundings.

Cody, 28: Codi is a personal trainer, and proves he's in shape by pushing the stalled-out limo back to the front of the mansion. For this is what men do.

Steven, 30: Steven is a snowboard product developer and California guy with hair covering his head like Darth Vader's helmet. I mean, it looks good on him, but I don't see that particular style making a comeback.

Rudie, 31: I was hoping he'd be an underdog football hero, but nope. Much like Andi, he's an attorney, and he provides her with a voucher good for immediately voiding his 4th Amendment privileges. As he explains, the voucher grants her the right to an unwarranted search of his backstory, such as his being an attorney, a surfer, and a musician. We proceed to never hear from him again.

Carl, 30: A firefighter who seems to have stepped right out of one of those "Save Our Firehouses" calendars. He gives her a souvenir orb with an arrow on it, although he is not Stephen Amell.

Jason, 35: An urgent care physician who makes a diagnosis on Andi just by looking at her, declaring she has a fever because she "looks pretty hot." NEXT.

Nick V., 33: Nick is a software developer from Chicago, and he's one of several guys so far who seem overpowered by their nerves.

Sort of like...

Dylan, 26: Dylan is an accountant, and is so nervous, he has to take a step back to drink Andi in with his eyes. I swear I didn't intend to make that sound like it was creepy, since it really wasn't. Although I could never tell throughout all of this whether Andi is the kind of woman who'd be charmed or secretly irritated by the guys being nervous.

Patrick, 29: An ad exec who looks more Bob Benson than Don Draper. He apparently is a soccer enthusiast and even kicks around a ball before promising he's nothing like the last soccer player she dated.

Emil, 33: Emil is a helicopter pilot who asks Andi if she's having fun being The Bachelorette, even though she's been The Bachelorette for all of five minutes. He then ruins his chance for good by teaching her to pronounce his name by telling her it's like "anal" but with an "m".

Brett, 29: He brings her a lamp from the hotel because his mother said never to leave a lady empty-handed, although one would think she'd also teach him to never implicate a lady as an accomplice in a misdemeanor theft.

Craig, 29: Craig is a tax accountant who sprays a bottle of champagne everywhere, is more of a hugger than Andi, and is excited to get to know her. All of these are pretty normal actions, all things considered, but he just gives me the impression of a pot boiling over. Just too much.

Ron, 29: A beverage sales manager who lives in Nashville but is originally from Israel and Barbados. And if that's not a lead character description from a new fish-out-of-water NBC comedy, I have no idea what is.

Bradley, 32: An opera singer that looks SHOCKINGLY like a cross between Michael Trucco and Nathan Fillion. It's stunning, really.

Josh B., 29: A telecommunications marketer, which has me wondering if he's the guy that calls houses and irritates people at dinner time with magazine subscription offers.

Nick S., 27: A pro golfer who shows up on a golf cart, as is the way of things.

Brian, 27: A basketball coach who says he's from Pennsylvania right off the bat, just like a true transplanted Pennsylvanian. He also tied his tie six times out of nervousness, which probably doesn't have anything to do with his being from Pennsylvania, although that happens to me all the time, and I'm from Pennsylvania, so I'm just going to say it does.

Andrew, 30: Andrew is a social media marketer, and I'm not entirely sure what that even means. Does he market social networks? Does he do marketing for social networks? Did he watch The Social Network and decide he wanted to be more like Andrew Garfield, except for the whole "getting screwed over by Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake" part? He'a an international man of mystery, I say!

Mike, 29: A bartender who asks to go by the nickname of (if I heard correctly) "Camps". If he said why, I sure as hell don't remember. He wants to pretend he didn't just step out of a limo, and instead introduces himself normally, as if they just happened to meet on the street outside a lavish, well-lit mansion. He gives her his phone number, because even in the digital age, "here's my number" > "Facebook me." At least in theory. But then, a lot of things are good in theory.

Eric, 31: His profession is listed as an explorer, and he weaves that into his introduction, presenting her with a pair of dolls given to him by a little girl from the Andes Mountains to give to his future girlfriend. This is all the more heartbreakingly poignant since Eric passed away only a few weeks ago. (More on that in a bit)

Josh M., 29: A former pro baseball player, he looks like a cross between Mark Cuban and Adam Rodriguez from CSI: Miami.

And those are all 25 guys! Which brings us to...

Rest in Peace, Eric (Credit: ABC)

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

So Eric Hill tragically passed away at the end of April due to a paragliding accident, and his death is something that is addressed immediately at the start of the episode, as Chris Harrison prefaces the premiere by informing us of Eric's passing, but adding that his filming had already been completed. So he will continue to be a presence on this show until he is (presumably) eliminated. Chris also states that this season will serve as tribute to his memory. It's a touching, heartfelt dedication that becomes all the more poignant in hindsight, as every Eric conversation this episode seems tinged with hope for the future. In every other scene, the guy is talking about things he's going to do, things he wants to do, things he's done and wishes he could do again. It's enough to rip your soul to shreds, and I don't imagine it's going to get any less doleful or heart-rending as the weeks go on, especially since he's the second guy to get a rose at the Rose Ceremony. And it's easy to see why. He's a genial, handsome guy with a lot of ambition to recommend him. Eric talks about filming a worldwide trip called The Global Odyssey, in which he plans to visit every country in the world by 2016.

Credit: ABC

But now he'll never get to accomplish that Odyssey, and that breaks my damn heart. Seriously. Although, if you're of the faith, you can see Eric as having departed for a different kind of Odyssey, one far more vast than his initial undertaking. But I don't know if that would be any comfort to those that miss him, or to us, who never got to really know a guy who, from all accounts, was the salt of the Earth. But now I'm eulogizing, and I'm not sure that's appropriate, so let's move on...

THE MANSION CRASHER: OR, DISPATCHES FROM THE FRONTLINES OF THE FRIENDZONE

Before we get to the "mansion crasher," I feel it's incumbent upon me to note just how ecstatic Andi was to meet these guys, and just what a good group they appeared to be. She notes that Josh M. is totally "type," with his confidence and sense of humor, but she worries if her "type" is something she should be avoiding, since chasing after her "type" is what has left her single and searching for a man on national TV. An astute point. However, a counterpoint: cookies. Proving himself a man for all seasons, Marquel brings cookies, which he declares the love of his life at the moment. They have a cookie tasting, and it's the guilelessly charming in a way that really impresses Andi. It's probably one of the best first impressions any guy made this week, although it's not enough to get him The First Impression Rose, as that goes instead to Nick V., who made an emotional connection with Andi over his story of having grown up the second oldest of ten siblings. As Nick V. explains, he ended up being more of a father figure to his brothers and sisters, and it created a lot of pressure in his life.

Naturally, when he receives the First Impression Rose, he has no idea what he did or said to deserve it, which I can only imagine would endear him further to Andi, who admits that she didn't expect to be taken in by someone like Nick V. Either way, she and Nick V. really seem to hit it off, to the consternation of the other guys. A bit off-topic, but can I just say I'm obsessed with how Andi says "okay"? It's like she's intrigued, but also feeling a bit dismissive, but is also a tiny bit perplexed. It's just such an adorable vocal inflection that is all the funnier given that Juan Pablo annoying her with his use of that word is partially why she's here in the first place. I'm sure "Ees okay" continues to ring in her ears like the clarion call of some ghoulish hellion of olde.

Credit: ABC

The drama continues unabated: Tasos is unique and exotic, Patrick and Andrew bond over cars, Andi is intrigued by Marcus and his Weaponized, Precision Hotness (she even says, in a confessional, that she wants to give him the first date right now and see where it goes), and the other guys fret about not having spoken to her enough (such as Mike, Patrick, and Emil), and having not spoken to her at all (like Brett). Meanwhile, Steven trades surfer lingo with Andi, while JJ gifts her the first pair of pants he ever made, a gift that just screams "Coming to you live from the frontlines of the Friendzone."

And in the middle of all this, we get a crazy guy crashing the mansion...

But he's not just any crazy guy! It's Chris Bukowski from Emily Maynard's season of The Bachelorette and from Season 3 of The Bachelor Pad. Apparently, he's been in the area for seven days because he didn't know when the show was shooting, and he desperately wanted to meet Andi. He basically refuses to leave until he can see Andi, and if he didn't have a bouquet of floppy roses and a look of grim desperation on his face, he'd cut a rather striking figure. Yet here we are: Andi is given the choice by Chris Harrison to let him into the house, which seems downright bonkers, even by reality TV standards. However, in a clear-headed decision that puts her own well-being and the feelings of the other guys in the house (who went through the process the right way, and don't deserve to be disrespected by having a new guy circumvent the process and get in the house anyway), Andi decides she isn't going to go meet with Chris. And so the sad saga of Comeback Chris ends outside The Bachelor Mansion. In the only semi-amusing moment in this entire debacle, Chris gives his flowers to the security guard, who admits he's never received flowers before, much less from another man.

Credit: ABC

THE ROSE CEREMONY: "I EMBARRASSED THE F*** OUT OF MYSELF"

And so it comes down to this, the first Rose ceremony of the season. Nick V. is already safe thanks to his First Impression Rose, but everyone else is fair game. In order by which they were called out, the rose recipients were...

JJ
Eric
Marquel
Craig
Tasos
Josh M.
Brian
Bradley
Marcus
Andrew
Ron
Carl
Chris
Dylan
Brett
Patrick
Cody
Nick S.

EMIL, MIKE, RUDIE, JASON, STEVEN and JOSH B. are eliminated from THE BACHELORETTE!

Some of the guys take it better than others. Rudie, Mike, Emil, and Jason wish her well, although if "Cali Boy" Steven got an exit interview of his own, my DVR must have missed it. Yet not everyone could have the same level of maturity in this situation. Josh B. essentially flips a lid, allowing Andi to give him a curt hug before storming off without making any eye contact.

"This is stupid," he declared after the ceremony, declaring, "I embarrassed the f-- out of myself!" All to come on a show where he "did nothing" and "accomplished nothing." He puts all the blame on the unnamed friend who talked him into doing this in the first place, before complaining about having to explain his failure to his parents, who were probably just glad to have him out of the house. How a guy like Josh B. got cast at all is beyond me.

And, as we wrap up, we get a preview of the season to come. In short, lots of in-fighting amongst the guys, and Andi lamenting that life isn't a fairytale. Isn't 26 a bit late to be realizing life isn't a Disney movie? I mean, if it has to be a fairytale, I'd imagine it'd be a lot closer to an episode of Once Upon A Time, if only for how it seems as though people wind up trapped in their hometowns after a certain age, growing bitter and drinking black coffee ground by Red Riding Hood's grandma.

Well, I intended this to be the shortest review I ever did, and it ended up being my longest by over a thousand words! So if you enjoyed this, come back next week to see if I could maybe make this thing shorter! Until then, sound off in the comments about tonight's episode! No, seriously. I want to hear what you guys think of this season, and of this premiere.