Bachelor In Paradise - Recap: Trouble In Clareadise
Recap and results for Bachelor In Paradise Episode 5:
Tonight's Bachelor In Paradise is the continuation of a two-night event, and last night's episode leaves a LOT to be continued:
AshLee basically mouthed off to Zack about Clare's romp in the ocean with Juan Pablo, bringing hellfire down on her head not only from Clare herself, but from Michelle Money, who told Graham about AshLee's rumor-mongering. As last night's episode came to a close, Graham walked away to think for a moment after AshLee offered him her rose. Will he accept? Or is he reconsidering this entire relationship? Also, what will become of Marquel, who is caught in a love triangle with Jackie and newcomer Jesse Kovacs?
Let's get this show on the road!
Credit: ABC
THE ROSE CEREMONY, CONTINUED
Graham wanders off, and Michelle gives chase. She catches up and finds Graham sweating profusely and breathing heavily, asking for water and claiming he's losing his eye sight. It's a full-on panic attack, and it's so severe that the medics are called. Of course, Clare (whose name I've apparently been misspelling all this time, because of course I would make that kind of stupid mistake) notes that throughout the entire fiasco, AshLee remains on her mark back at the podium, waiting for the cameras to get back to focusing on her. I seriously have no idea how AshLee has even made it this far, considering that she's authentically crazy, and Graham doesn't even seem that into her. I just don't see how that relationship ends in any other way but disaster. And stabbings.
Graham pieces himself back together enough to return to the Rose Ceremony, where AshLee offers him the rose with a smile on her face, as if nothing is wrong at all. And...he happily accepts?! I mean, it's like the news of AshLee's behavior didn't phase him at all. He just lets her pin the rose on him while he maintains this huge, dorky grin. However, there is at least some sense in this. If he wants to get rid of AshLee, it might be more prudent to wait until the men are the ones handing out the roses, as opposed to rejecting AshLee's rose and taking the risk that he won't get one from anyone else (because, realistically, I'm not sure who would give him one other than Michelle Money, and for all her talk of saying that she "won't have" Graham accepting that rose, would she actually stand up and give him one herself?).
Naturally, the drama can't end there, however, as Lacy decides that Graham accepting the rose is making her sick. She feels nauseous and exits stage left, with Marcus following close behind. She seems on the verge of a panic attack now, and Marcus is so worried for her well-being that he convinces her to go to the hospital. So they call in an ambulance, load Lacy in the back, and I wonder what in the blessed red hell is going on tonight that everyone is falling over like dominoes in one of my nephew's rally sets.
So we get back to the Rose Ceremony, as everyone gets back to their places, and Chris Harrison announces that we'll be continuing without Lacy and Marcus. Michelle offers her rose to Cody, Sarah offers her rose to Robert, and Jackie...offers her rose to Jesse?!
MARQUEL and KALON are eliminated from BACHELOR IN PARADISE!
Marquel is far more broken up about being eliminated than Kalon, who's far more interested in getting some sweet 24-hour room service. Why must all the good eliminations be intercut with bad ones?! I'm going to miss Marquel.
JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY
We see Marcus at the hospital with Lacy, lying in bed with her while she gets treated, explaining in a confessional that the doctors claim something is up with Lacy's intestines, and is causing her to feel dehydrated. Marcus is with her the entire time, refusing to let her go, even while she's getting poked with needles, and all I can think is, "Will you two just leave Paradise and get married already so we can get more actual singles in here?" I like them both, but almost feel like they're taking up space now. I fully expect them to quit together soon, actually.
Another couple that I started to feel that way about before this week was Clare and Zack, but between last night's episode and this one, it's looking like "Clack" (or "Zaire"? Eh, to hell with the romantic portmanteaus) are on thin ice. Especially with the arrival of Christy Hansen from Juan Pablo's season. Christy had been one of the girls Zack was looking forward to meeting when he signed up for the show, and now she's here. With a date card. And the intention to ask him out!
Zack has trouble deciding whether he wants to remain committed to Clare, or if he wants to try and explore what could possibly be out there. He has a long talk with Christy in which he admits that she's one of the reasons he came, and that he's at a crossroads. Ultimately, he turns Christy down, which disappoints her initially. But she quickly rebounds with Jesse, who is all too happy to accept. He doesn't get why guys like Zack would limit themselves like they have when they're in a once-in-a-lifetime Paradise with hordes of beautiful women. For her part, Christy has a major chip on her shoulder about her most recent relationship, saying she's not here to date douchebags like her ex-boyfriend (whom she's clearly not over at all). Case in point, on the date, she and Jesse spend an inordinate amount of time talking about said ex, as Christy explains the entire sordid ordeal. Turns out, she found a bra in her ex-boyfriend's bed, leading to their messy breakup. And yes, that appears to be the entire substance of their date. (I swear, the dates on this show are like insomnia cures, for the most part).
Credit: ABC/Agustin Murillo
DON'T STOP, GET IT, GET IT
Sarah gets a date card, following the general rule that if you're shown in a confessional complaining about not getting a date card, you're the next one up. And so she asks out Robert, feeling that this could the sequel to their wonderful snorkeling date. Robert is all too happy to accept, as they go to dinner, and chat about their relationship. Robert says the best part of Paradise has been meeting Sarah and getting to spend time with her. But things quickly go from sweet to weird, as Robert asks her to go for a swim, leading Sarah to believe that they're FINALLY going to kiss. Except Robert seems to go above and beyond to avoid actually making a move.
Seriously, they just sit there in the pool for an interminable amount of time, as they hold each other and avoid making any sort of eye contact, despite their bodies literally being entwined. Finally, as if having a gun pressed into his back by the producers, Robert asks for permission to kiss Sarah, muttering it out like a child begrudgingly forced to give an apology to the next door neighbor for traipsing on all the gardenias. Sarah goes for the kiss, and while it starts out dispassionately, it actually gets intense before long. (Get it, Sarah!) In her confessional, Sarah talks about wanting to make out with Robert for hours, and Lord knows she looks to be trying.
Another person looking to stake his claim is Cody, who outright tells Michelle that right now, it's her and no one else. This prompts Lacy to remark, in a confessional, that Cody is coming on WAY too strong. She feels Cody should let Michelle dictate the pace of the relationship, but it doesn't seem like an approach Cody is going to take. As he talks with Michelle, he says that he feels they have a real connection, and that he's here to find a serious girlfriend. Next thing you know, he's talking about the possibility of them falling in love, despite Michelle voicing her concern that this is all happening way too fast. Basically, this is Cody's elimination from Andi's season all over again, as he tells a disbelieving woman about the future he's already envisioned, refusing to recognize that the woman isn't exactly receptive to that future. Michelle needs time to think things over, as her guards are still up.
Credit: ABC
"THIS IS WHY I JUST WANTED TO DO DANCING WITH THE STARS"
Jesse and Christy are back from their date, and all they want to do is party. This prompts Jackie to get upset, believing that Jesse isn't being loyal by messing around with other girls. But even this isn't as uncomfortable as what happens between Clare and Zack, who have a chat on the beach in which Zack reveals that he's rethinking whether their relationship is something that can move forward in a serious way. He says that he was surprised at how quickly all of this has moved, and that he just wants to have fun with her right now. Of course, Clare takes this horribly, and why shouldn't she? For as intense as Clare is being, Zack is being every bit as wishy-washy. On the one hand, Clare is crazy if she doesn't get why it's so strange to a guy that she's essentially ready to settle down only after a handful of days; similarly, Zack is insane if he doesn't understand why Clare would have a problem with him essentially wanting to have his cake and eat it too. Clare storms off and breaks down into a puddle of tears, lamenting how she's having a panic attack on national television. This isn't even the first panic attack this episode!
So Clare tells Michelle she's leaving, as she starts packing her stuff after ordering a car to come pick her up. Michelle tries to talk her out of it, but Clare says she didn't come here for drama, or to be told that a guy only likes something physical about her. She points to Marcus and Lacy, asleep in each other's arms, and says she came here for THAT. Granted, I feel like Marcus and Lacy are a once-every-few-seasons kind of match. Far more often than not, drama is all you're ever going to get coming on a reality show like this. I have no idea why she thought this time around would be any different, particularly when the premise of this show seemed far less designed for romance, and far more geared towards creating the type of drama Clare stated she was trying to avoid. Maybe she thought she could parlay an appearance here into becoming the next Bachelorette? But even then, I don't see why Zack has to be the dealbreaker. I mean, not all the guys have even arrived yet, so she's essentially quitting before seeing everything the show has to offer.
Clare takes Zack aside and tells him that one of her biggest regrets about being on The Bachelor was not recognizing the red flags that were there in Juan Pablo's behavior. She says she won't make the same mistake again, and announces she's leaving. Zack tries to comfort her, but Clare resents Zack sugarcoating things. She says a very quick goodbye to him and everyone else in the house, and then gets into a van and leaves. In a confessional, Clare reflects how she's going out "looking like s*** again", with puffy eyes and a stuffy nose. She says she's sick of being hurt, and that there are few things as painful as hearing a guy tell you that you aren't what he wants.
CLARE QUITS BACHELOR IN PARADISE!
Credit: ABC
And that's pretty much it for Clare, although not before one last soundbite: "This is why I just wanted to do Dancing With the Stars," she says, in the lone amusing moment of this entire dreary sadness parade.
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH JESSE (ALSO, NUDITY)
So Clare's departure is met with the arrival of Lucy, the flower child from Juan Pablo's season. She wears no shoes, and Cody notes she doesn't appear to have a bra or panties on either. And...naturally, he's right on both accounts, as she walks into the den completely nude after introducing herself to everybody. And she stays naked as she chills on the beach with the guys. In a confessional, Lucy says she doesn't normally go for looks, since that's not her thing, but she thinks Jesse is incredibly hot, since he looks a bit like a lifeguard in his red shorts. So she asks him on her date. Christy is a bit miffed that Lucy (her best friend here, since they were both on the same season of The Bachelor) would ask Jesse out, because girl code, I guess? Either way, it appears to be a pretty uneventful date as Jesse and Lucy go to the same ruins that everyone else has gone to, with Lucy recounting a story about how the Mayans used to roll virgins down the steps, or something to that effect. They do a little drinkin', they chat in Spanish, and it's...well, it's a date.
Credit: ABC
OKAY, MAYBE DON'T JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY
Back at Paradise, Michelle receives a date card and asks out Cody. However, she notes in a confessional that she doesn't want to move too fast. Of course, that'll be a bit difficult, since their date is AN ENGAGEMENT PHOTOSHOOT.
And Cody lays it on incredibly thick once they get there, not only offering up kisses, but also saying how he hopes these photos will be on their wall some day, and telling her that she's what he's been waiting for, for three and a half years. At the hotel, Michelle freaks out in front of the camera, saying this is way too much to her. "I'm just really overwhelmed with his feelings for me, because he's not joking around." She recalls having gotten married before, and says this brings up a lot of old feelings, since that marriage didn't work out. She wants to slow down the relationship, but this damnable production won't let her, as the next stage of the photoshoot involves Michelle donning A FREAKING WEDDING VEIL AND GOWN. It's like they want her to implode (in fact, they probably do).
That said, Michelle looks absolutely stunning, and she and Cody actually do have chemistry. Michelle stresses to Cody that this is fake, but Cody seems to think she's joking around. Onlookers pass by, and Michelle again shouts out that this is all fake, but Cody can't stop grinning, oblivious to how uncomfortable he's making her. She further stresses in a voiceover just how fast this is moving, and how badly she needs Cody to just slow the hell down. In an amusing moment, she once again shouts "This isn't real!" as Cody does the Dirty Dancing lift to her in the water.
Meanwhile, AshLee and Graham go on a date, driving around a closed course in an Audi R8. AshLee driving the car in neutral is probably the most impressed or amused Graham has been by anything so far. He compares the date to the twists and turns in his and AshLee's relationship, and whatever awkwardness existed between them at the start of the episode is pretty much gone now. However, this substance-free date between AshLee and Graham is offset by the touching date with Marcus and Lacy, who finally have their big moment, as Marcus tells Lacy he loves her. They kiss and, right on cue, we cut to Lucy and Jesse making out on the beach. This all leads to Jesse getting a pretty huge boner he has to conceal from the camera, in a weird moment. Lucy then tells Jesse they have to keep their little hookup a secret, because...
"THERE'S SO MUCH BOOZE, AND NO ONE IS DRINKING IT!"
Back at Paradise, Christy hates how everyone is paired off already, and notes how she expected to meet so many single guys when she came here, yet there's only one. And that sole guy is off with her best friend right now. But that doesn't even seem to be what bugs her the most, as she notes, "There's so much booze, and no one is drinking it!" She just doesn't understand why no one wants to party and mingle. And I don't blame her. If you've found someone, get the hell out of dodge and let someone new through!
After his date, Jesse worries about his position in the love triangle between Christy and "What's-Her-Nuts", saying he doesn't know which girl he's going to pick. Naturally, Christy can't take seeing the connection Jesse and Lucy apparently share. She starts bawling, saying she's considering leaving Paradise. But she doesn't want to give up on the chance of something more happening, so she takes Jesse aside and asks him about his date with Lucy. Jesse pretends as though nothing happened, saying he simply went out with Lucy so she wouldn't be left out in the cold, since he knows what rejection is like. This gives Christy confidence in her connection with Jesse, feeling that he's a genuine nice guy with loads of potential. And so they make out. Lucy, however, isn't fazed by potentially losing Jesse, saying this is all for fun, saying she doesn't think it's a big deal if two friends like the same guy. "Sharing is caring," she says, intending to keep things going with Jesse anyway by getting into bed with them.
Meanwhile, Zack is ready to move on from Clare, and tries to hit things off with Jackie. Jackie is receptive to seeing Zack, noting that she's over Jesse and doesn't want to give him the impression she's okay with his womanizing. (I'm sorry, but this is what happens when you keep Jesse and ditch Marquel) For his part, Jesse swears he isn't trying to be disingenuous, and asks Christy if she's still into him. She says she isn't interested in anyone else here, although her earlier attraction to Zack would beg to differ. Lucy, meanwhile, isn't okay with potentially going home so soon. She says that if two friends like the same guy, maybe they shouldn't be friends. And so she decides to scheme against Christy, telling Jesse that Christy didn't know it was him who got into bed with her the night before. It's a complete lie, but it gets Jesse's blood boiling.
Credit: ABC
THE ROSE CEREMONY
So we get straight to the results:
Robert offers his rose to Sarah, while Graham offers his rose to AshLee, which continues to make the other contestants sick. Cody offers his rose to Michelle, creepily talking (in his confessional) about how he's falling in love with Michelle, and noting that Michelle Money will get his roses "forever and ever and ever and ever."
Marcus offers his rose to Lacy, but not before delivering a speech about how he's fallen in love with her, and how she's opened his eyes to the possibility of love. It's amusing in that some of the other contestants are just rolling their eyes, Jesse in particular.
Meanwhile, Zack offers his rose to Jackie, saying he's here to find love. Which leaves us with Jesse...
Jesse offers his rose to Christy, devastating Lucy. Christy says she's excited to hold a rose in her hand, and is thrilled with the possibilities it presents. Jesse feels he made the right choice because he knows Christy is into him, whereas he has no idea where he stands with "What's-Her-Nuts".
LUCY is eliminated from BACHELOR IN PARADISE!
And that's a wrap!
So were the right choices made? Was Clare right to leave? What did you think about the events of the episode? Sound off in the comments! Until next week, thanks for joining me!