Bachelor Pad 3 – Episode 2 – Recap
Welcome to my recap of Bachelor Pad 3’s second episode! While legions of respectable, talented athletes are competing for their country’s honor over on NBC, we have 18 remaining contestants fighting for the title of “Last One Standing on This S***show of a Reality Television Contest” over here on Bachelor Pad. May the sluttiest girl and douchiest guy win.
The episode begins right after last episode’s rose ceremony when Chris “SWAT” and Paige were voted off. The identical twins, Brittany and Erica, butt heads already. “Last night you called me a slut four times!” yapped Tweedle-Dum. “That hurt me so badly, I like cried. You did it again, I cried, you did it again, I cried, you did it again, I cried,” Tweedle-Dumber screeched. Meanwhile, no one in the house—including yours truly—even knows what they’re arguing about. “They’re crying, beating each other up, threatening to leave… and I don’t even know who’s who,” Jaclyn admits. I’m with you on that one, girl.
The next morning, the contestants jog outside to see three rhythmic gymnasts twirling ribbons and jumping through hula hoops. Welcome to this week’s competition! The girls and guys will perform two separate dances, and the judges (engaged couple and Bachelorette alumni Ashley Hebert and JP Rosenbaum, as well as former U.S. Olympic medalist Tasha Schwikert) will choose which two guys and girls were the best and worst of the group. Erica Rose puts zero effort into the competition and simply refuses to hula hoop. What a chill kill… hula hopping is so much fun. David, on the other hand, takes the contest super seriously (as if we didn’t see that coming). After the tight unitards that the contestants are forced to wear squeeze all of the dignity out of their bodies, they perform rhythmic gymnastics routines with ribbons, jetés, and great execution of the most obviously gymnastic dance move, the worm. The girls are a hot mess, while the guys are… hot, I guess. The guys aren’t fantastic dancers, but they show much more charisma than the girls and actually make the routine entertaining for everyone. Plus they manage to not screech every two seconds.
Alas, Erica Rose and Ed were voted the worst, and Blakeley and Michael were voted the best. Therefore, Erica Rose and Ed both each have one vote against them going into the rose ceremony, while Blakeley and Michael are safe for the week; plus, they each get to choose three people to go on a date on. Donna has been OBSESSED with Michael for several years; she even shows him a pencil drawing that she drew of him! I’d call that sketchy in more ways than one! It must have been lucky day because Michael picks her to go on the date with him… along with Rachel and Lindzi. Fifth wheelin’ it… good stuff.
The four of them are treated to a concert by Adelitas Way, a band that I’ve never heard of. They dance in front of some random people in the audience who probably feel wicked awkward. If I was there I’d feel awkward with the cameras and 3-on-1 date/PDA-fest going on in front of me. Michael and Rachel make out, and she admits that there was a bit of a spark there, a spark that she didn’t see coming at all. Michael really enjoyed dancing with her as well, calling it romantic… and calling it the recipe to earn a rose, as Michael gives the group date rose to Rachel. Donna looks really jealous. U Mad?
That same night at the house, the other contestants celebrate Jamie’s 26th birthday. Ryan, her partner, has a crush on her, so he baked AND frosted a cake for her. Seems like he definitely wants her to come and put her name on it! (Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake… ?) Oh, and he decorated her bed with “Happy birthday girl!” spelled out in candy, bought her balloons, gave her flowers, and set up a sushi dinner for her. That’s only kind of a cute birthday present. He’s really sweet, but Jamie’s all googly-eyed for Chris after their makeout sesh last week. She wants Chris to be her partner, so she fake-smiles her way through Ryan’s grand effort.
However, Chris doesn’t want to piss off Blakeley, so he whores himself out a little bit to please her. He tells her that he still wants to remain her partner (even though he doesn't), and they end up making out in bed (even though he's not attracted to her). Jamie walks in on them and then climbs up to her bed, which is RIGHT ABOVE Blakeley’s, and tries to go to bed, distraught. Pretty awks. I wouldn’t want to feel the bed below me shake when I’m trying to sleep on my own bed, especially when the bed below is occupied by the guy I like making out with another girl. That’s got to sting. (Shame on you, Chris, for leading two girls on at once!)
Blakeley chooses Chris, Ed, and David for her date, even though Chris didn’t want Dave to come. The date is cute; they decorate soapbox cars and race them down a steep hill in a Soapbox Derby event. Ed paints his car to resemble a pickle… nice. He wins the race and earns a giant Soapbox Derby trophy as a souvenir for home. However, Chris obviously wins the group date rose.
That night, the contestants go a little cray. Almost all of them get drunk, and a bunch of them hook up. Lindzi and Kalon! (WTF?) Rachel and Michael! One of the twins and David! There’s some qlassiq Bachelor Pad hot tub action. Sarah takes off her bikini top and jumps in the pool with Ed, and then they jump into bed together. There’s some sketchy night-vision footage of Ed and Sarah hooking up under the covers while Ed hollers “YEAHHHHHH BUDDY!!!! AIEYAIAYIAIAIAIIAIAIAIIYYYYY!!!” over and over again. He’s screaming so loudly that all of the other contestants can hear.
Nick spends his weekly 5 seconds of screen time telling the twins that they’re on the chopping block this week, which sends the two into a tailspin. They yap at each other for what seems like HOURS… they start yelling at night and continue well into the morning while everyone else is trying to sleep. Erica has a crush on David so she wants to stay, but Brittany wants to leave. Because the two of them are playing as one person, both of them have to stick together, and Erica must leave if Brittany does. Erica wakes up David to say goodbye, but all he does is grunt sleepily. They continue to bicker as the van drives away. The funniest part was when asked the following morning what he thought of the twins’ meltdown the night before, David had no clue that they even left. Lulz. Because of the twins’ decision to leave, no girls were voted out this week.
David started out as the obvious guy to kick out just because he’s a newbie, but Kalon brought up the idea of voting out Ryan because he wasn’t as close with everyone and was deemed untrustworthy. He planted the seed in Lindzi’s head, and Lindzi rallied Rachel, Jaclyn, and Blakeley to vote Ryan out. Meanwhile, Reid is still out for revenge against Ed when Ed stole Jillian from him years ago, so Reid tried to get the remaining girls to vote out Ed. He almost succeeded, but he fell short; Jamie, the swing vote, ultimately chose to vote out her own partner. Ryan is sent home, 32 and still a virgin. (I would've lost so much respect for you if you had lost your virginity on this show, Ryan.) Obviously, he feels betrayed by Jamie. Well, Ryan, as a non-drinking, well-mannered, respectable virgin, the girls on Bachelor Pad probably wouldn’t have suited you well anyway. (Why were YOU even on THIS show?!)
Tune into ABC next Monday at 8pm for the next episode of Bachelor Pad, and as always, my recap will be posted after. In the meantime, what did you think of tonight’s episode? What’s up with the Lindzi and Kalon hookup, amirite?