Bachelor Pad 3 - Episode 1 - Recap
Here we go! Bachelor Pad Season 3, Episode 1. If you thought that you were stooping to the lowest depths of primetime television with The Bachelorette, wait until you swim down to Bachelor Pad. However, make sure to shower before and after; the water there is probably infested with STDs and the aftermath of high libidos. Anyways, let’s recap this journey together, shall we?
For the first time ever in the show’s three-year history, some very lucky Bachelor fans are joining the alumni as contestants competing for the $250,000 grand prize. Here’s a brief summary on the 22 contestants:
The Dudes
Emily's season:
Chris - Said "I love you" to Emily but got dumped in 4th place; known for his hissyfits and questionable maturity at the ripe age of 25.
Tony – Single dad who missed his son sooooooo much filming of The Bachelorette that he went home early… only to return to reality television on Bachelor Pad?!?
Kalon – The helicopter-owning, arrogant “villain” of Emily’s season who referred to her daughter as “baggage”; was told by Emily to “GET THE **** OUT”
Ashley’s season:
Nick – Personal trainer. Ripped. Don’t remember much else about him. Seems soft-spoken.
Jillian’s season:
Ed – “Won” his season and was engaged to Jillian for a year before their relationship ended. Basically, he seems like a d-bag who wants to live the bachelor life forever and never settle down.
Reid – Still loved Jillian after being rejected by her in third place, yet came back to PROPOSE to her right before Ed was about to propose, only to be rejected once again. Understandably, Ed and Reid aren’t the biggest fans of each other. Anyways, he seems like the nicest guy on the show even though I didn’t watch Jillian’s season of The Bachelorette.
Michael – Won $125,000 in the last season of Bachelor Pad yet lost his ex-fiancee Holly to another Bachelor alumnus, Blake. Holly and Blake met on BP2 and are now married… pauvre Michael. Now he’s coming on the show solely to find love!
DeAnna’s season:
Ryan – 32-year-old virgin who doesn’t drink alcohol. Seems like the polar opposite of everyone else on the show, aka a bunch of horny drunkards, so I guess he must really want that money to have to endure all of their crap.
Fans:
Chris “SWAT” – SWAT guy who loves curling up on the couch in flannel pajamas, with a glass of wine in his hand and candles by his side, to watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette after work. Living the life there, aren’t you, Chris?!
David – He really likes Lindzi! He also apparently does not understand simple strategy, as you will hear about below.
The Ladies
Ben’s season:
I skipped out entirely on Ben’s season of The Bachelor, and after watching this episode, I’m so glad I did. All of those girls seem like psycho b*tches! The only one who seems remotely likeable is…
Lindzi – Came in second place. Seems like the only girl out of these five who I would want to be friends with.
Blakeley – Waxes dudes’ hairy buttholes as a job. I feel bad for that guy who was just shown on national television getting his behind waxed…
Jaclyn – Actually has a college education so OBVIOUSLY she’s better than Blakeley, her “frenemy,” right?! I would just stay away from both of them.
Rachel – She bangs, she bangs! All I can say about her is that she has prominent bangs.
Jamie – Yeah… I got nothing. She’s pretty?
Brad’s first season:
Sarah – Don’t know anything about her, but apparently she kissed Reid while he was still going out with his long-time girlfriend. Now Reid is single, and they’re living in the house together. Awks!
Lorenzo’s season:
Erica – Rich snob. So annoying. Can’t handle her. Knows Kalon from the Houston socialite scene and has a love/hate relationship with him. I feel like it’s much more on the hate side; he apparently sold her out to the tabloids!
Fans:
Paige – Probably the sweetest girl in the house. I DID just read that she apparently wrote Bachelor recaps for her college newspaper… whoa!
Donna – Hot body, sore personality. Obsessed with Michael Stagliano.
Brittany and Erica – Petite, blonde, identical twins. I still can’t tell them apart, but I think it’s interesting that Erica is a virgin while Brittany is wild and boy-crazy. They’re playing the game as one person. That must not be very empowering… you’re only worth half a person, says Chris Harrison!
Cocktail Party
The contestants step out of the limo one by one, and it doesn’t take long for tensions to flare up. Rachel and Jaclyn gossip about Blakeley. Ed tools on Reid in front of everyone. Nick and Ryan lurk in the background and basically contribute NOTHING to any conversation. Ed gets so drunk that he jumps in the pool in his underwear several times.
Host Chris Harrison announces that the next day’s competition will pit couples against each other, so everyone scrambles to find a decent partner. The teams are: Reid and Paige (“She’s sweet!” “He’s sweet!), Erica and Nick (“He’s muscular”), Chris and Blakeley (“She’s verrrrry competitive”), Ed and Jaclyn (“IT’S NOT A HOT TUB… IT’S A COLD TUB!!!” said the very inebriated Ed), Michael and Sarah, Tony and Lindzi, Kalon and Donna, and Ryan blended so much into the wallpaper that I don’t even know if he was partners with Rachel or Jamie. Chris “SWAT” was with the other girl.
The Competition
The first competition is titled "Falling for Love,” in which the contestants press their bodies against giant heart fixtures without falling down. Clever title, producers. The first couple to drop will automatically get one vote against them, while the winners get a one-on-one with each other outside of the house as well as roses making them safe from this week's elimination. Erica, Nick, and his biceps are the first ones out, while the final two couples are Reid and Paige and David and Brittany. Pretty much all of the alumni girls hate the twins, so they don’t want David and Brittany to win. Which, obviously, they do. David and Brittany are the last ones hanging on, so David and the twins are safe from elimination.
The twins and David go on a date at a pier where they get a carnival all to themselves. David is talking about how this is the ultimate Bachelor/Bachelorette date, with the ferris wheel and roller coasters and etc. At the end of the date? The three of them go skinny dipping!
Post-Competition/Pre-Voting Drama
Jamie pulls Chris away, and they go in a room together. They end up making out on a bed! First hook-up of the season. First of many, I assume. Blakeley and Jaclyn bust through the door and interrupt the two. "You're a lot different than what you were like on our season,” Blakeley snarles at Jamie.
"Is that good or bad?" - Chris
"BAD. You don't seem as sweet as you were then.” Blakeley’s pissed at Jamie for stealing her partner.
Next, fan David is getting high off of the smell of the rose attached to his lapel, so he makes the stupidest possible move in reality competition history: he tells Erica to her face that he was planning on voting her out. Are you an idiot? Why would you reveal your strategy to someone who you’re planning on VOTING OUT? And then to say that the game will be split as fans vs. alumni? You just screwed yourself and the rest of the newbies over for the rest of the game.
In light of David’s comment, obviously Erica tries to band the alumni guys against the fans. David wants the fans to vote out Nick and Erica because they already each have one vote against them, while Erica wants the alumni to vote out SWAT and Paige. Reid hears this and takes it upon himself to try to save his partner, Paige. “Reid is my knight in shining armor,” she gushes. Though they have the odds stacked against them, Reid thinks he can pull it off. They count over who is voting to eliminate Erica: free vote, Ryan, David, Reid, and Kalon, which is only five. They count again. “I KNOW WHO WE’RE MISSING!” she exclaims.
The camera cuts to SWAT. Earlier, he remarked that he was pissed off at David for essentially eliminating him when he divulged his “master plan” to everyone. Even though he was a newbie, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go along with the hopes of the guy who catalyzed his demise. Ultimately, the fate of Paige and Erica rested with him, and he used his last hurrah to vote out…
Rose Ceremony
Paige. The sweet 24-year-old was sent packing, which made me sad because she seemed like the most genuine person there, and I feel like she and Reid could have made a good couple. Obviously SWAT was eliminated as well.
The remaining contestants are Lindzi, Chris, Sarah, Ed, Rachel, Reid, Jaclyn, Michael, Jamie, Kalon, Blakeley, Ryan, Donna, Tony, Nick, and Erica. I’m not really rooting for anyone, just against certain people (I’m looking at you, any girl from Ben’s season except Lindzi.)
What did you all think of the Bachelor Pad 3 premiere? Do you think any of the fans even have a remote chance of winning it all?