AI Report Card Top 7: 21st Century Pox
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I'm going to be blunt in my language, and I can't really care if you're offended because the truth must be told. F*ck that James Durbin monstrosity, that Scotty McCreedy snoozefest, that Casey Abrams minstrel show, that Stefano Lagone sludge (that boy should NEVER dance again), that Lusk tragedian, and that Lauren Alaina…wait, what did she sing again? It's an Idol world gone mad when Haley - whose affectations I'm usually allergic to - gave THE best performance of the night.
Lest you believe it was hyperbole, it was most certainly not.
What this week's theme suggested was that perhaps I was actually wrong. For weeks I've moaned about the pigeonholed themes and applauded the broader ranged scenarios (not that they're very successful, I know). All "Songs of the 21st Century" exhibited was the oft-used and very apt accusation from Idol's biggest foes (and Simon Cowell) - it was a karaoke-fest of monumental proportions, with no one bringing nary a freshness nor a soupcon of eclecticism so desperately needed. It was a night of a thousand mimics.
Not effected by hermetic overtones of a weary public (though, not by his massive voting block), Scotty's nevertheless testing my patience. I’ve defended his niche for weeks, but even for the less cynical (yeah, I am talking about myself), it’s getting enervating (the panel, perhaps getting the clarion call of the masses, finally gave some shape of a negative response - though McCreery was no better nor worse than he's performed since week one). Country strong? He's becoming a one-note Country rote.
But I'll take a rote recital over intemperate pandering. For all the risible hosanna's thrown at James Durbin after his gruesome, hideous cover of pretentious quasi-art-rockers - and hipster gods - Muse's "Uprising", you would have thought that that was Adam Lambert - a vocalist nonpareil deserving the heaped praise, weekly - striking his final pose on the stage. And if the foolish association with Lambert that haunts him is to be used as a prototype, what Durbin lacks – besides the near perfect-pitch delivery, the eternal range and the full throttle power of lungs – is Lambert’s authentic swagger. Lambert’s egoistic rock star shtick rang true because, love(d) him or loath(ed) him, his confidence was purely innate and he had the musical balls to back it up. Durbin's feral intensity is indicative of nothing but his self-indulgence. He has plenty to learn. Reviewing Lambert’s season 8 gradient would be a good start.
Adele's 21 is as near a perfect album as 2011 is probably going to get, so I cringed in abstract horror when it was announced that Haley was to perform "Rolling In The Deep". My problems with Reinhart have been plentiful - I was never sure why I haven't been getting 'it'; bloated by excessive, gratuitous runs? Check. Her off-putting concupiscence? Arguable, but, yeah. Commanding her core constituency (read: fan base) without expanding on it has landed her in the lower rungs of elimination nights too often. And my catholic tastes (that’s small ‘c’, lest you think otherwise) have dismissed her incessantly. Sometimes, though, from the ashes rises a Phoenix. Only a buffoon would compare, so any analogies to Adele are automatically negated (and stupid), but Haley grunts, growls, swoops, swerves, moans and flutters, and it all works to an almost magical effect. Of course it's not perfect - but those imperfections make it almost beautifully perfect. The sound you'll hear in the midnight hours might be me eating my words. Upped a grade for making me a believer (this week anyway).
"Believer" isn't a moniker I'd tag myself regarding Jacob Lusk, as you know. To the panel - and his, uh, ministry (?) - he's a supernal force of nature and the second coming of Luther. Laughable, I know, but he at least, at long last, put their money where his mouth is. My contempt has waned recently due to my exhaustion at his recent hangdog mawkishness; I mean, I'm thankful for the evanescence of his farcical praise dance, but the recent, nascent defeat in his eyes is almost pathetic. Alas, his love of his deceased daddy, his love of his Jesus, his love of tears and his love of dramaturgy portends that voters love a good shtick. The donkeys always follow the carrot on the stick.
The remaining three fared no better than the rest. Idol's cynosure since his groundless 'judges save' weeks ago, Abrams was in full-throttle rock and roll minstrelsy - but when your point of reference is Maroon 5, who've been selling blanched faux pale-boy funk to white America for a decade, you can see where the fine line between homage and gastroenteritis might be blurred to a judging table stacked with sycophants. While I understand that we can’t expect all our Latin heartthrobs to possess a celestial, classic voice like Mr. JLo, Marc Anthony’s, is it too much to implore for one with a scintilla of rhythm? Watching Langone's exercise in ersatz klutziness was awkward at worst, comical at best. Or vice versa. And with a gargantuan Country catalogue of this still-new millennium to choose from, Alaina's choice of a piffling Sara Evans non-entity only proves Iovine's lack-of-confidence observation. She was once the fawning, giddy, talented ingénue whose steadfast belief in herself foreshadowed a powerful presence. She’s lately morphed into an almost glum, restrained existence, whose vocal prowess dissipates, yet whose worst days are never realized by the judges, who always form an aggregated aegis around her newfound fragility. Not that her "Born To Fly" ranks as a 'worst' anything. But when will the potential of the apprentice pass her audition peak?
A night whose theme suggested a theoretical grand-slam quickly descended into a long, piteous gasp of oxygen. Sometimes bathos and pathos are interchangeable.
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Scotty McCreery Song: LeAnn Rimes' SWINGIN' My grade: B-
James Durbin Song: Muse's UPRISING My grade: C
Haley Reinhart Song: Adele's ROLLING IN THE DEEP My grade: A-
Jacob Lusk Song: Luther Vandross' DANCE WITH MY FATHER My grade: C+
Casey Abrams Song: Maroon 5's HARDER TO BREATHE My grade: C+
Stefano Langone Song: Ne-Yo's CLOSER My grade: C+
Lauren Alaina Song: Sara Evans' BORN TO FLY My grade: B